Sure, teleportation of data between entangled particles might be possible across vast distances, rendering old signal connections obsolete, the way dolphins make porpoises not matter, but we have to accept the fact that at the very same time, and perhaps for the very same reason, one twin and her twin can simultaneously go blind from an identical mastoid degeneration of the face and its muscles, without prior notice and it's all a part of the contract you didn't need to sign because you signed another one that said you signed them all.
Whats the connection here?
Well, don't you get it?
The connection is that we don't need connections anymore. We've entered the stage in history when nothing is connected to anything at all, but it all still works because who gives a shit, and that's the final connection!
We have established a more perfect union by disentangling everything -- by entangling some bullshit particles and letting two teenage girls go blind hypothetically!
Yes! God rears his ugly head and swooshes his woolly mane through your breakfast cereal and says, "Look at those cheerios! Are they not separate? They are! Are they not each their own hollow oats? They are! Like you? Yes! And you? No! Yes, and they are also one, a whole connected by nothing! Fantastic! That is, that whole bowl is a whole hole filled with whole holes making a holey Holy whole, merry fucking Christmas and to all a good night!"
Thanks God, you might say, but now my milk is all hairy from your beard, and hey, speaking of milk, doesn't all this dairy connect my oats in a way?
"Who the fuck are you goddamn kidding? Shut your fucking mouth," God will say, "Are you trying to poke a fucking hole in my hole theory? This only strengthens my resolve. Now comb the tufts of wisdom from my beard and see if you can lick off a little dignity."
Great!
Showing posts with label Daily Inspiration. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Daily Inspiration. Show all posts
Daily Inspirational #5509412: Have a Hot God Eating Contest in Dog's Kingdom
Now's the time. “What's time?” you say. “What the hell do you mean by time?”
Well, imagine a non-spatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from the past through present to future.
Now imagine a specific point on that non-spatial continuum.
Got it? Great, we’re almost done.
Now, think of this special point as – paradoxically – filled with space. Finally, envision that from this “space” flies an “event” composed of many moist brown edible tubes that have been mechanically recovered from a divine meat slurry. Sealed in air-tight packaging for freshness, these objects go by many names – but only one word describes their extreme precooked rubbery essence: Hot Dog.
That’s right, you silly sausages, it’s time to mustard up the courage and participate in God's Hot Dog Eating Contest – it's the most important event planned for this entire year.
Even if you don’t win, you will most certainly relish the experience, because when it comes to eating hot dogs, there’s no losing – only winning. Winning and throwing up.
Please don’t even think about making excuses. If you’re behind on your work – ketchup. Or simply abandon whatever it is you are doing, for there is nothing as important as this "event" in your entire "life." It's time to get your mind out of the gutter and into God's ball park, Frank.
Look, when George Washington Carver secured patent #1,243,855 for a milk substitute made from peanuts and soybeans, he wasn’t thinking about completing some menial task to satisfy an unrealistic deadline. He was sharp-shooting for immortality – pure and simple.
So, go out and get your share of microwavable immortality at the great Hot Dog Eating Contest in the sky – or else.
We’ll see you there.
Notice: if you’re pregnant, always heat your hot dogs up to 160-70 degrees to avoid Listeriosis. Always protect your unborn children, no matter how ugly they might grow up to be.
Fun Fact: The earliest usage of "hot dog" in clear reference to sausage can be found in the September 28, 1893 edition of The Knoxville Journal:
It was so cool last night that the appearance of overcoats was common, and stoves and grates were again brought into comfortable use. Even the weinerwurst men began preparing to get the "hot dogs" ready for sale Saturday night.
Well, imagine a non-spatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from the past through present to future.
Now imagine a specific point on that non-spatial continuum.
Got it? Great, we’re almost done.
Now, think of this special point as – paradoxically – filled with space. Finally, envision that from this “space” flies an “event” composed of many moist brown edible tubes that have been mechanically recovered from a divine meat slurry. Sealed in air-tight packaging for freshness, these objects go by many names – but only one word describes their extreme precooked rubbery essence: Hot Dog.
That’s right, you silly sausages, it’s time to mustard up the courage and participate in God's Hot Dog Eating Contest – it's the most important event planned for this entire year.
Even if you don’t win, you will most certainly relish the experience, because when it comes to eating hot dogs, there’s no losing – only winning. Winning and throwing up.
Please don’t even think about making excuses. If you’re behind on your work – ketchup. Or simply abandon whatever it is you are doing, for there is nothing as important as this "event" in your entire "life." It's time to get your mind out of the gutter and into God's ball park, Frank.
Look, when George Washington Carver secured patent #1,243,855 for a milk substitute made from peanuts and soybeans, he wasn’t thinking about completing some menial task to satisfy an unrealistic deadline. He was sharp-shooting for immortality – pure and simple.
So, go out and get your share of microwavable immortality at the great Hot Dog Eating Contest in the sky – or else.
We’ll see you there.
Notice: if you’re pregnant, always heat your hot dogs up to 160-70 degrees to avoid Listeriosis. Always protect your unborn children, no matter how ugly they might grow up to be.
Fun Fact: The earliest usage of "hot dog" in clear reference to sausage can be found in the September 28, 1893 edition of The Knoxville Journal:
It was so cool last night that the appearance of overcoats was common, and stoves and grates were again brought into comfortable use. Even the weinerwurst men began preparing to get the "hot dogs" ready for sale Saturday night.
Daily Inspiration # O - How Your Body is A Scantron and Why it Doesn't Matter.
Let’s get this straight, okay? Those tiny blue-rimmed openings
that you fill with grey spurts of #2 pencil lead--
THEY ARE not BUBBLES…
Daily Inspiration 954: Diamonds in the Rough
The silk of a spider's web is ten thousand times stronger than the toughest steel, and when piled together, taller than ten Empire State Buildings.
So, today, which one will you be? Steel and skyscrapers? Or wispy mucous?
Look in the mirror and say: I am the spit of an insect and I have become a long line of superlatives. Say: the analogies that describe my power are unrivaled and can topple governments. Trying to list what makes me great causes birth defects and palsies.
Say: What I believe about myself is stronger than the toughest steel, and when piled together, taller than ten Empire State Buildings, and geometrically aligned to the stock markets and seashells.
So, today, which one will you be? Steel and skyscrapers? Or wispy mucous?
Look in the mirror and say: I am the spit of an insect and I have become a long line of superlatives. Say: the analogies that describe my power are unrivaled and can topple governments. Trying to list what makes me great causes birth defects and palsies.
Say: What I believe about myself is stronger than the toughest steel, and when piled together, taller than ten Empire State Buildings, and geometrically aligned to the stock markets and seashells.
Daily Inspiration #88 - A color, a flower, a chopping block.
Listen! Look! Feel! yourself as nothing else but a pair of GREY pinking shears.
Scalloping the very air around you, you have become a fascinating tool in your mother’s overpriced arts and crafts wicker-basket. But, as you click and snip, remember that you are more than just a tool, and your mother is more than just a mother, and wicker is more than just the slender flexible branches or twigs (especially of willow or some canes) used for wickerwork , or the hard fibrous lignified substance under the bark of trees, or the characteristic sound made by a horse— you are the you-tool-device that “cuts ornamental openings in the body portion of fabrics [of existence],” mitigating the loose threads, your special properties have kept the entire quilt from coming undone.
Now quick! Wash the milk, mustard, and semen stains off it before your mother notices!
Daily Inspirational #2.034: How To Imagine Yourself
Today, picture yourself as horse meat. Imagine that you are flesh connected to bone via a variety of tissues. Imagine that your friends are other muscles.
Imagine your life bounding across a rocky plain. Imagine it astride other lives. Your horse-life is galloping and you are in part making it happen by pulling a bone or two this way and that.
Now picture the meat-you-horsey growing technical apparatuses. Imagine cables with wi-fi capabilities giving new information to the plants and the rocks.
Your life runs around, with you as a meager part of it, in search of sustenance while it electronically communicates with things that don't matter to you!
The moral for today is that you cannot be a horse or any part of it.
Lucky numbers: 13, 45.67777, 0.99999....(1), 0.you.not.being.a.horse.at.all.loser
Neigh!
Imagine your life bounding across a rocky plain. Imagine it astride other lives. Your horse-life is galloping and you are in part making it happen by pulling a bone or two this way and that.
Now picture the meat-you-horsey growing technical apparatuses. Imagine cables with wi-fi capabilities giving new information to the plants and the rocks.
Your life runs around, with you as a meager part of it, in search of sustenance while it electronically communicates with things that don't matter to you!
The moral for today is that you cannot be a horse or any part of it.
Lucky numbers: 13, 45.67777, 0.99999....(1), 0.you.not.being.a.horse.at.all.loser
Neigh!
Daily Inspirational #2,033: 5 Amazing Ways to Start Your Day With Confidence
1. Eat a healthy breakfast
Often, the one difference between a good day and all out war is a few eggs and toast. Poland skipped breakfast and Hitler invaded. 9/11 skipped breakfast and flew planes into itself. So, when you get up, find some eggs. Find some toast. Cook the eggs. Cook the toast. Eat the eggs. Eat the toast. You will have done your part in saving our nation and economy. Bonus points for grapefruit -- which builds orphanages. 10,000 life points!
2. Mirror pep talk
Try standing in front of the mirror and telling it how much you like it. For goodness sake, your mirror is always honest with you, so tell it how much you appreciate that already, and then for the rest of the day, you'll feel like you've done a good thing for someone, namely a glass picture of yourself. Happy mirrors are known to bring good luck, too. While you are gone it might even clean your room and think about telling you secrets. Very happy mirrors follow you wherever you go and make magic happen, like tax deductions. The first fifteen people to do this every morning get six coupons redeemable somewhere you can never find! Feel the potential!
3. Kill your parents
Shoot them in the head and take their powers, which are many. Their powers need to be scraped off the wall. This should get you through the day, at least until lunch time. Look for the secret decoder ring.
4. Establish a form of mental domination over someone weaker than you
Spend each morning slowly breaking someone down until they give up completely. You will feel as if you are working toward a larger goal -- the pay off to which is especially rewarding. Also, in the end, there will be one less person to compete against -- which brings you one step closer to winning. Tip: Children are easy and can be broken in batches, but they have a low "power-pulp" (flesh) yield..
5. Get into the the freezer, naked
And never come out. Free shipping.
5. Don't get up at all
There are two ways to do this. First, stay in bed and pretend you are dead while your loved ones scream and cry over your catatonic body.
Second, stay laying down but do get out of bed: then wiggle out of the house, slithering around on the ground. This will give you a new perspective on things. 1/2 off!
5. Ride a lawnmower around the football field
Seriously, this feels great. Don't mow anything though. This is about you, not grass. While supplies last! Yes!
Good morning and good luck.
Often, the one difference between a good day and all out war is a few eggs and toast. Poland skipped breakfast and Hitler invaded. 9/11 skipped breakfast and flew planes into itself. So, when you get up, find some eggs. Find some toast. Cook the eggs. Cook the toast. Eat the eggs. Eat the toast. You will have done your part in saving our nation and economy. Bonus points for grapefruit -- which builds orphanages. 10,000 life points!
2. Mirror pep talk
Try standing in front of the mirror and telling it how much you like it. For goodness sake, your mirror is always honest with you, so tell it how much you appreciate that already, and then for the rest of the day, you'll feel like you've done a good thing for someone, namely a glass picture of yourself. Happy mirrors are known to bring good luck, too. While you are gone it might even clean your room and think about telling you secrets. Very happy mirrors follow you wherever you go and make magic happen, like tax deductions. The first fifteen people to do this every morning get six coupons redeemable somewhere you can never find! Feel the potential!
3. Kill your parents
Shoot them in the head and take their powers, which are many. Their powers need to be scraped off the wall. This should get you through the day, at least until lunch time. Look for the secret decoder ring.
4. Establish a form of mental domination over someone weaker than you
Spend each morning slowly breaking someone down until they give up completely. You will feel as if you are working toward a larger goal -- the pay off to which is especially rewarding. Also, in the end, there will be one less person to compete against -- which brings you one step closer to winning. Tip: Children are easy and can be broken in batches, but they have a low "power-pulp" (flesh) yield..
5. Get into the the freezer, naked
And never come out. Free shipping.
5. Don't get up at all
There are two ways to do this. First, stay in bed and pretend you are dead while your loved ones scream and cry over your catatonic body.
Second, stay laying down but do get out of bed: then wiggle out of the house, slithering around on the ground. This will give you a new perspective on things. 1/2 off!
5. Ride a lawnmower around the football field
Seriously, this feels great. Don't mow anything though. This is about you, not grass. While supplies last! Yes!
Good morning and good luck.
Daily Inspirational #2,032: Bee Like a Honeycomb
It has been said that a bees' nest is more alive than the animals that make it their home. In fact, this has been said so loud that it could be heard all the way from Madagascar to another part of Madagascar. In as much as volume determines truth, this bee thing is therefore pretty true and you should heed its warning.
Yes, it is a warning, albeit an inspiring warning. If you heed hard enough, you will become so forewarned that you will surge with inspiration. So, let's heed. Together.
Imagine your world is an enormous urban nest. Imagine that at night you return to a small cubby amongst other cubbies in order to sleep. Imagine that in the morning, you wake up to throw yourself hard at the wall of the impossibly inane. After a day of wall slamming, someone gives you or the person next to you a smile and you return home to your cubby. Something sticky is everywhere.
Now imagine that the nest, the cubbies and the walls are alive and you are not. Imagine this because it is true, at least in this hypothetical scenario, which if you think about it isn't hypothetical at all but actually your life, hypothetically.
You are a blood vessel in a large, comby organ. No, you are a slightly irritated calcium deposit loosed into the honey stream for a brief moment in the sun, though there is no sun, it's extremely dark and very sticky. The walls and holes keep on living just as they like while you slave away to maintain them in perfect order.
And wait -- what's that? The stickiness is you?
Well, guess what? It's time to become the nest. It's time to be the honey comb. It's time to rent out your body and let people live in it. It's time to open a business on your thigh, to sell produce from your love handles. Redevelop your flanks with ambitious projects, invite diversity to your toes with a variety of national parades.
The only way to truly live is to let people live all over you.
And you know what else? We've said this all so loudly that it's so true you can't change it. We hired a machine to bellow it all so loudly that the sound bounced back and destroyed the machine so nothing can be louder and nothing will ever be true again.
So, crack open a vein and let us in, let us all in. We're moving deep inside you to let you live.
You'll love it. And remember, this offer won't last long, so heed hard before it's too late.
Yes, it is a warning, albeit an inspiring warning. If you heed hard enough, you will become so forewarned that you will surge with inspiration. So, let's heed. Together.
Imagine your world is an enormous urban nest. Imagine that at night you return to a small cubby amongst other cubbies in order to sleep. Imagine that in the morning, you wake up to throw yourself hard at the wall of the impossibly inane. After a day of wall slamming, someone gives you or the person next to you a smile and you return home to your cubby. Something sticky is everywhere.
Now imagine that the nest, the cubbies and the walls are alive and you are not. Imagine this because it is true, at least in this hypothetical scenario, which if you think about it isn't hypothetical at all but actually your life, hypothetically.
You are a blood vessel in a large, comby organ. No, you are a slightly irritated calcium deposit loosed into the honey stream for a brief moment in the sun, though there is no sun, it's extremely dark and very sticky. The walls and holes keep on living just as they like while you slave away to maintain them in perfect order.
And wait -- what's that? The stickiness is you?
Well, guess what? It's time to become the nest. It's time to be the honey comb. It's time to rent out your body and let people live in it. It's time to open a business on your thigh, to sell produce from your love handles. Redevelop your flanks with ambitious projects, invite diversity to your toes with a variety of national parades.
The only way to truly live is to let people live all over you.
And you know what else? We've said this all so loudly that it's so true you can't change it. We hired a machine to bellow it all so loudly that the sound bounced back and destroyed the machine so nothing can be louder and nothing will ever be true again.
So, crack open a vein and let us in, let us all in. We're moving deep inside you to let you live.
You'll love it. And remember, this offer won't last long, so heed hard before it's too late.
Daily Inspirational #921: Just Give Up
It only gets worse. How do we know? Despite your arrogant ignorance (and ignorant arrogance), other people have lived your subpar life many times over, often as a punishment or egocentric display of martyrdom, but most commonly as an unfortunate mistake while misreading the map on the road to some better life. And guess what? All the surveys and interviews and exit polls from your existence show that the moment you're living right now? That's the point at which it never gets better, but only worse, steadily and assuredly. Yes, the moment you realized that your life is used, abused, misbegotten, and ultimately headed downhill is the greatest moment of your life. So, give up now and fill out this survey, sign the contract, and give us everything.
Daily Inspirational #913: Today, Sit Down Triumphantly
You have fantastic legs. The knees, the ankles, the calves, and the ham strings -- behold the glory of your bipedal standing.
Everyday the world tells you to stand up for your rights, to rise up for what you believe and to stand in defiance of those who would oppose you. And you know what, you may or may not be doing a great job! I don't know the first thing about you. Maybe you're a coward and maybe you're a hero -- in either event, sit down and shut up already. It's all the same because you're being used.
That's right -- you need to act is if you don't have a leg to stand on. Sure, you've got your principles and your values, but isn't it time you stopped using those as crutches to lift yourself up? Look at yourself in the mirror and tell me whether or not you could even come close to standing up without your precious "values."
That's not who you are. No, you are not values or principles -- that's stupid -- you are a spineless lump who just so happens to have two glorious legs and a set of meaningless belief crutches that make you feel like a man. Throw them all aside and plant your ass in a chair to find out what you're really made of.
Doesn't that feel good?
No? Great, then you're doing it right.
You should feel like you can't move -- because you can't. You're stuck where you are. Anything else is a lie because real people can't move.
If you sit long enough, your values and principles will get restless, antsy, and depressed. They will tire of your little chair and your small world view. "Let's go buddy," they'll say, "Let's make change, let's get out there and do it!" Don't listen. Do not be a vehicle for these beliefs and values which are not you, which only want to joyride around in your body under noble but false pretenses.
If a man came and said to you, "Hey, can I sit on your back while you run around town for me so I can yell stupid things at other people?" -- would you do it? No, that's dumb.
The same applies with your values and beliefs. They want a free ride. They want you to stand up and get going -- but for what? For you? No, sir, for themselves. Your altruism and your charity -- these beliefs and values are as selfish as the next guy. They are out for themselves and themselves only, common ne'erdowells and thugs.
The only way to fight them is to stay seated. Oh, you're going to see the ugly side of it, too. Charity will pinch and prod you. Altruism and empathy will bite your neck and slap and spit in your face. Love and kindness and justice will pull your hair and stub your toes.
Stick it out. Stay seated.
Don't move. Be yourself. Be meat. Be bones. Be skin and hair. Be slow decay. Be pumped blood. Be perspiration, flatulence, acid reflux and indigestion. Be hunger, death, and rigor mortise.
All your values, beliefs, and principles will eventually leave in search of a new patsy to manipulate, leaving you behind to defiantly sit in triumph having defeated those who would control you.
Relax and enjoy yourself and your four fantastic wooden legs. You are finally free.
Everyday the world tells you to stand up for your rights, to rise up for what you believe and to stand in defiance of those who would oppose you. And you know what, you may or may not be doing a great job! I don't know the first thing about you. Maybe you're a coward and maybe you're a hero -- in either event, sit down and shut up already. It's all the same because you're being used.
That's right -- you need to act is if you don't have a leg to stand on. Sure, you've got your principles and your values, but isn't it time you stopped using those as crutches to lift yourself up? Look at yourself in the mirror and tell me whether or not you could even come close to standing up without your precious "values."
That's not who you are. No, you are not values or principles -- that's stupid -- you are a spineless lump who just so happens to have two glorious legs and a set of meaningless belief crutches that make you feel like a man. Throw them all aside and plant your ass in a chair to find out what you're really made of.
Doesn't that feel good?
No? Great, then you're doing it right.
You should feel like you can't move -- because you can't. You're stuck where you are. Anything else is a lie because real people can't move.
If you sit long enough, your values and principles will get restless, antsy, and depressed. They will tire of your little chair and your small world view. "Let's go buddy," they'll say, "Let's make change, let's get out there and do it!" Don't listen. Do not be a vehicle for these beliefs and values which are not you, which only want to joyride around in your body under noble but false pretenses.
If a man came and said to you, "Hey, can I sit on your back while you run around town for me so I can yell stupid things at other people?" -- would you do it? No, that's dumb.
The same applies with your values and beliefs. They want a free ride. They want you to stand up and get going -- but for what? For you? No, sir, for themselves. Your altruism and your charity -- these beliefs and values are as selfish as the next guy. They are out for themselves and themselves only, common ne'erdowells and thugs.
The only way to fight them is to stay seated. Oh, you're going to see the ugly side of it, too. Charity will pinch and prod you. Altruism and empathy will bite your neck and slap and spit in your face. Love and kindness and justice will pull your hair and stub your toes.
Stick it out. Stay seated.
Don't move. Be yourself. Be meat. Be bones. Be skin and hair. Be slow decay. Be pumped blood. Be perspiration, flatulence, acid reflux and indigestion. Be hunger, death, and rigor mortise.
All your values, beliefs, and principles will eventually leave in search of a new patsy to manipulate, leaving you behind to defiantly sit in triumph having defeated those who would control you.
Relax and enjoy yourself and your four fantastic wooden legs. You are finally free.
Daily Inspirational #912: Making the Delivery Inside You
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?
-1 Corinthians 6:19 (NIV)
That's right. Your body is a temple, which is really just an archaic word for "living room" and there is spirit housed inside of you, and you have received yourself from God.
As many of you know, modern living rooms, which are crammed full of power-draining entertainment systems and complex gadgets, can wreak hell on the electric bill. As a result, you may need to stay physically fit to maintain a high level of kinetic energy that can be harnessed inside your temple and turned into electrical power. Otherwise, you'll have to pay for it with money -- at least until the delivery has been made -- and that can get pretty pricey.
What delivery? Let me explain. By "Living room" what I really mean is "parcel" or "mail-to-be-delivered." You see, we live in an age of implied meaning. Whereas in the old days, we had a bad habit of choosing ill-fitting words for most things, with modern technology and the power of prayer, we can now simply imply meaning by saying just about anything we want. With God's help, everything has the potential to be understood.
So, here's the deal. It's true that the spirit has been delivered to you and that it lives in a living room inside you. It's also true that at this point in the game, the spirit is not a parcel or any kind of mail to be delivered, despite the fact that you have received it into your home, which is you. Hey, at least it's not your mother-in-law!
Once inside the living room inside you, the spirit will spend most of his time watching cable television, listening to the stereo in Dolby surround sound, relaxing with high-powered electrical massagers while blow drying his hair, microwaving meals, and keeping the electrically-powered robot-maid in constant rotation between the massive refrigerator inside you and the couch where the spirit sits (this means that the appliance's door will often be left open and that the light, which is not an energy saver, will click on more often. You might consider reminding the spirit inside you that the refrigerator is not a television and should therefore have a closed door, but that would simply not be true).
Something to keep in mind: you are an obese and lazy man who has a penchant for irresponsibility. You sit around all day eating microwaved food and getting electric massages. As you consider what I am saying, though you are not a very intelligent person, you may begin to both grope for and also notice certain meaningful similarities between yourself and the spirit inside you who you claim to have received from God. You may ask yourself: Is this you? Well, it's about time you understand that it is.
Soon you will have recognized that the spirit inside of you that you swear to God has been delivered to you by God in a time of desolation, failure and loneliness -- by God -- is you. It is here that the spirit, which is you, and which has been rumored to have been delivered to you, not as mail but as something else, has at last made a profound and moving transformation. It has become mail, the greatest and most important parcel in your entire life.
Being nothing more than a reflection of what's inside of you, and therefore having been transformed into your truest form, you realize that you are finally nothing more than a parcel with a parcel inside you. In fact, you are so excited, you pack your bags, tack a note of apology for the electric company, who's bill you haven't paid in nearly a year, onto yourself and set yourself out on the front stoop to be delivered to the only person who could possibly care: You.
So, remember: try to stay physically fit (or just use the "tack a note and run" suggestion per above) and use the extra cash you save on electricity to tip your mailman on his birthday -- which some say is Christmas, much in the same way that some say Jesus Christ is God -- lest he deliver you, God help us, to somebody else.
As many of you know, modern living rooms, which are crammed full of power-draining entertainment systems and complex gadgets, can wreak hell on the electric bill. As a result, you may need to stay physically fit to maintain a high level of kinetic energy that can be harnessed inside your temple and turned into electrical power. Otherwise, you'll have to pay for it with money -- at least until the delivery has been made -- and that can get pretty pricey.
What delivery? Let me explain. By "Living room" what I really mean is "parcel" or "mail-to-be-delivered." You see, we live in an age of implied meaning. Whereas in the old days, we had a bad habit of choosing ill-fitting words for most things, with modern technology and the power of prayer, we can now simply imply meaning by saying just about anything we want. With God's help, everything has the potential to be understood.
So, here's the deal. It's true that the spirit has been delivered to you and that it lives in a living room inside you. It's also true that at this point in the game, the spirit is not a parcel or any kind of mail to be delivered, despite the fact that you have received it into your home, which is you. Hey, at least it's not your mother-in-law!
Once inside the living room inside you, the spirit will spend most of his time watching cable television, listening to the stereo in Dolby surround sound, relaxing with high-powered electrical massagers while blow drying his hair, microwaving meals, and keeping the electrically-powered robot-maid in constant rotation between the massive refrigerator inside you and the couch where the spirit sits (this means that the appliance's door will often be left open and that the light, which is not an energy saver, will click on more often. You might consider reminding the spirit inside you that the refrigerator is not a television and should therefore have a closed door, but that would simply not be true).
Something to keep in mind: you are an obese and lazy man who has a penchant for irresponsibility. You sit around all day eating microwaved food and getting electric massages. As you consider what I am saying, though you are not a very intelligent person, you may begin to both grope for and also notice certain meaningful similarities between yourself and the spirit inside you who you claim to have received from God. You may ask yourself: Is this you? Well, it's about time you understand that it is.
Soon you will have recognized that the spirit inside of you that you swear to God has been delivered to you by God in a time of desolation, failure and loneliness -- by God -- is you. It is here that the spirit, which is you, and which has been rumored to have been delivered to you, not as mail but as something else, has at last made a profound and moving transformation. It has become mail, the greatest and most important parcel in your entire life.
Being nothing more than a reflection of what's inside of you, and therefore having been transformed into your truest form, you realize that you are finally nothing more than a parcel with a parcel inside you. In fact, you are so excited, you pack your bags, tack a note of apology for the electric company, who's bill you haven't paid in nearly a year, onto yourself and set yourself out on the front stoop to be delivered to the only person who could possibly care: You.
So, remember: try to stay physically fit (or just use the "tack a note and run" suggestion per above) and use the extra cash you save on electricity to tip your mailman on his birthday -- which some say is Christmas, much in the same way that some say Jesus Christ is God -- lest he deliver you, God help us, to somebody else.
Daily Inspiration # 122: Why You Aren't In Love and How To Get In It (and it in you)
It's an all too common scenario: you are alone and have been alone for a long time. Worst of all, you feel as if you will always be alone, and everyone around you seems to confirm this by being with everyone else in the world but you. It's like some terrible game of musical chairs where you can't even hear the goddamn music.
Sure, people notice you. But when they do? They tell you "your table for one is ready, sir/madam." That's right: to everyone else, you are practically genderless. Even you can hardly remember if you are a man or a woman -- because both concepts have nearly lost their meaning.
It comes down to this: nobody loves you and you don't love them either. Who are these people and why should you love them anyway?
If this is how you feel, then congratulations: you have just taken the first step to being in love and, more importantly, having love in you.
The next step is a little more complicated. You need to get someone into your bed, and you have to get them to sleep there. There are numerous books available on this topic -- pick one to your liking and give it a go. They all work. In fact, just buy a book on the subject, hand it to a stranger on the street and they will probably come home and sleep in your bed.
But, contrary to popular belief, 90% of the time this isn't love. Experts will tell you all sorts of things, but most of what they tell you about love is a lie. Here are the top 3 lies love "experts" love to say:
1. Love is a bond between two people. FALSE
2. Love is a deeply emotional experience: FALSE
3. Love can be engendered through intimacy, both sexual and otherwise. FALSE
NO: Love is not a bond, it is not emotional, and it is not intimate or sexual. Rather, love is a nutritional parasite that can only be eaten at night while a stranger is sleeping.
That's right: the one true thing the experts say is: There is love inside all of us. Yes, there is, and it's breeding and multiplying and feeding off of your body.
Love lays it's eggs all around us and gets under our fingernails. At night, the little things come out of our anuses and secrete an ooze that makes you itch. When you scratch near your ass, the eggs are implanted there, hatch, and then crawl in to live and feed.
So, here is what you do: while the stranger you picked up off the street sleeps, keep yourself awake with fresh brewed coffee or caffeine pills. Once the stranger is snoring soundly, shine a flashlight on their anus and wait for love to come marching out. When you see it, snatch it up and gobble it down.
You will feel a high like that of cocaine. It will last for twenty minutes or so, followed by a steep withdrawal. In order to keep the high going, place some tape on your new lover's (yes, you are lovers now!) ass. In the morning, before they wake, remove the tape and have a look. Love will be squirming all over it. Store this in the fridge. It should last you about a week.
Eventually, your tolerance will increase and you will need to ingest more -- and more often. At this point, consider marriage.
Until then, though? Keep taping the anus.
Sure, people notice you. But when they do? They tell you "your table for one is ready, sir/madam." That's right: to everyone else, you are practically genderless. Even you can hardly remember if you are a man or a woman -- because both concepts have nearly lost their meaning.
It comes down to this: nobody loves you and you don't love them either. Who are these people and why should you love them anyway?
If this is how you feel, then congratulations: you have just taken the first step to being in love and, more importantly, having love in you.
The next step is a little more complicated. You need to get someone into your bed, and you have to get them to sleep there. There are numerous books available on this topic -- pick one to your liking and give it a go. They all work. In fact, just buy a book on the subject, hand it to a stranger on the street and they will probably come home and sleep in your bed.
But, contrary to popular belief, 90% of the time this isn't love. Experts will tell you all sorts of things, but most of what they tell you about love is a lie. Here are the top 3 lies love "experts" love to say:
1. Love is a bond between two people. FALSE
2. Love is a deeply emotional experience: FALSE
3. Love can be engendered through intimacy, both sexual and otherwise. FALSE
NO: Love is not a bond, it is not emotional, and it is not intimate or sexual. Rather, love is a nutritional parasite that can only be eaten at night while a stranger is sleeping.
That's right: the one true thing the experts say is: There is love inside all of us. Yes, there is, and it's breeding and multiplying and feeding off of your body.
Love lays it's eggs all around us and gets under our fingernails. At night, the little things come out of our anuses and secrete an ooze that makes you itch. When you scratch near your ass, the eggs are implanted there, hatch, and then crawl in to live and feed.
So, here is what you do: while the stranger you picked up off the street sleeps, keep yourself awake with fresh brewed coffee or caffeine pills. Once the stranger is snoring soundly, shine a flashlight on their anus and wait for love to come marching out. When you see it, snatch it up and gobble it down.
You will feel a high like that of cocaine. It will last for twenty minutes or so, followed by a steep withdrawal. In order to keep the high going, place some tape on your new lover's (yes, you are lovers now!) ass. In the morning, before they wake, remove the tape and have a look. Love will be squirming all over it. Store this in the fridge. It should last you about a week.
Eventually, your tolerance will increase and you will need to ingest more -- and more often. At this point, consider marriage.
Until then, though? Keep taping the anus.
Daily Inspiration #121: Smuggle Your Spirit Across The Boarder
Do you ever feel down? Little? Small? Like you are in the wrong aisle of the supermarket with someone else's groceries?
Of course you do! Let's face it, sometimes our spirits get low. "Spirit" is like gasoline: it sits inside of us in a tank where it combusts and burns and makes us move around without even trying. It's great! And, as you know, not-it is not great.
Now, if you were to open up your skull and look above the dashboard of your brain (your eyes, and, in some rare and unfortunate cases, your feet) you'd see, along with a series of knobs and switches, a gauge that goes blithely from empty to full.
And chances are, if you are like 9 out of 10 people like the rest of of except for that 1 guy -- your meter says empty. That's why you've been so sluggish, why life seems so dull and awful, why you haven't gotten out of that chair in three days, why you and pants have given up on each other.
But what happened? How did our spirits get so low?
Is it war in the Middle East? Shrinking reserves? Privatization?
No, the reason we are all running out of spirits is: increasingly tighter border control.
Yes, increased security on the US/Mexican border has made it very difficult for spirits to be smuggled into America. You just can't get your hands on the stuff anymore. In addition, customs officials and port authorities across the nation are making restrictions stricter, sanctioning more sanctions, and handing out parking tickets like there's no tomorrow, yesterday or today. Basically, getting spirits into the US is like breaking into and then back out of Fort Knox and both taking Fort Knox with you and leaving it there. In other words, it's near on impossible.
Yet, there's something that can be done. We need to stop relying on large companies to deliver our central core "us-ness" and take the market back into our own hands. (Be sure to wear gloves and goggles if you like seeing/feeling.)
You can do this! You don't need to be spiritless any longer. Rather, you deserve to be spirit-maxed.
So listen: grab a shovel, lie down on the ground, and start digging. That's right, shove that steal scoop into your chest and pull it all out. When most of you is scooped away and the shovel hits paydirt -- keep digging.
You are going to construct an elaborate system of tunnels and passages through which you and countless immigrants can run -- carrying chunks of spirit and soul beneath the earth and the authorities.
This is the change you've been waiting for.
Yet, you might soon notice that what we call "spirits" are, on closer inspection, a hell of a lot like clods of dirt, piles of rock, and tufts of grass. The resemblance is uncanny and beautiful you think. But, on even closer inspection, we notice that they are clods of dirt, piles of rock, and tufts of grass.
What? Have we cut holes into the Earth and ourselves to smuggle the earth through itself and back into us? It's like pulling our undershirt off without removing the outer one. It's horrifying and incestuous.Whatever, don't think about it. Your spirits are going up again. It feels great. You feel fantastic. I feel fantastic. We all feel fantastic.
We're running through caverns and tunnels that seem stronger and sturdier every day and we are carrying the earth into each other's bodies and we are gobbling up inlets and islands and archipelagos and subcontinents like ginger snaps and we are wearing them like pants on the other side of our legs, inside, a lining, and we are finally shopping in the only aisle there is, the only aisle we need.
Consumer tip nugget: Look for coupons in this week's daily shopper. Cut them out of his screaming body and save the blood to receive a free gift.
Of course you do! Let's face it, sometimes our spirits get low. "Spirit" is like gasoline: it sits inside of us in a tank where it combusts and burns and makes us move around without even trying. It's great! And, as you know, not-it is not great.
Now, if you were to open up your skull and look above the dashboard of your brain (your eyes, and, in some rare and unfortunate cases, your feet) you'd see, along with a series of knobs and switches, a gauge that goes blithely from empty to full.
And chances are, if you are like 9 out of 10 people like the rest of of except for that 1 guy -- your meter says empty. That's why you've been so sluggish, why life seems so dull and awful, why you haven't gotten out of that chair in three days, why you and pants have given up on each other.
But what happened? How did our spirits get so low?
Is it war in the Middle East? Shrinking reserves? Privatization?
No, the reason we are all running out of spirits is: increasingly tighter border control.
Yes, increased security on the US/Mexican border has made it very difficult for spirits to be smuggled into America. You just can't get your hands on the stuff anymore. In addition, customs officials and port authorities across the nation are making restrictions stricter, sanctioning more sanctions, and handing out parking tickets like there's no tomorrow, yesterday or today. Basically, getting spirits into the US is like breaking into and then back out of Fort Knox and both taking Fort Knox with you and leaving it there. In other words, it's near on impossible.
Yet, there's something that can be done. We need to stop relying on large companies to deliver our central core "us-ness" and take the market back into our own hands. (Be sure to wear gloves and goggles if you like seeing/feeling.)
You can do this! You don't need to be spiritless any longer. Rather, you deserve to be spirit-maxed.
So listen: grab a shovel, lie down on the ground, and start digging. That's right, shove that steal scoop into your chest and pull it all out. When most of you is scooped away and the shovel hits paydirt -- keep digging.
You are going to construct an elaborate system of tunnels and passages through which you and countless immigrants can run -- carrying chunks of spirit and soul beneath the earth and the authorities.
This is the change you've been waiting for.
Yet, you might soon notice that what we call "spirits" are, on closer inspection, a hell of a lot like clods of dirt, piles of rock, and tufts of grass. The resemblance is uncanny and beautiful you think. But, on even closer inspection, we notice that they are clods of dirt, piles of rock, and tufts of grass.
What? Have we cut holes into the Earth and ourselves to smuggle the earth through itself and back into us? It's like pulling our undershirt off without removing the outer one. It's horrifying and incestuous.Whatever, don't think about it. Your spirits are going up again. It feels great. You feel fantastic. I feel fantastic. We all feel fantastic.
We're running through caverns and tunnels that seem stronger and sturdier every day and we are carrying the earth into each other's bodies and we are gobbling up inlets and islands and archipelagos and subcontinents like ginger snaps and we are wearing them like pants on the other side of our legs, inside, a lining, and we are finally shopping in the only aisle there is, the only aisle we need.
Consumer tip nugget: Look for coupons in this week's daily shopper. Cut them out of his screaming body and save the blood to receive a free gift.
Daily Inspitational #9: Explaining a Person To The Pain (or: Taking The "I" Out of Pain)
Most people assume their pain is a concrete block at the center of their body which can never be moved but only urged and prodded at - and that's okay. It's what we've been taught by our teachers, parents, and parishioners.
Yet, now it is time to break free from the bonds these quacks have put us in. It is time to realize that your pain is a troubled and orphaned adolescent with an abusive foster family.
Yes, you heard me: all pain is roughly thirteen years old with bruises on its arm -- bruises that it claims are from falling down the stairs or bumping into a door knob.
Not only that, your pain can fly. Did you know that your pain soars out of your body across the sky -- and visits neighborhood children while you sleep? With promises of fun and excitement, and trailing fairy dust, he leads them back inside you -- where the real Neverland really does exist.
Yet, just as you didn't know Neverland really, really existed -- inside you or out -- so also does your pain not know that you exist. In order to get any rest from the constant wrenching in your stomach and lungs -- caused by this little boy's playing and dreaming -- you will have to find him, sit him down, and make him believe you are real.
How To Find Him:
Place some duct tape around your tear ducts and go to sleep. When you wake up in the morning, the little boy will be wriggling on your face, stuck in the glue, and trying to get free.
Sitting Him Down:
Rip the tape and the boy off of your face and place him on the floor. This will be much easier if you had the foresight to use double-sided tape.
Making Him Believe You are Real:
If you went out for work one morning, found yourself caught in an enormous trap and then were plucked from the world you know into a wholly other one by an enormous figure that claimed you weren't real but were actually an ephemeral piece of the whole that manifested itself as emotions in someone else much more real than yourself, what would you need them to say to convince and comfort you?
Take a few minutes to write your answer down and simply repeat these words to the little boy again and again until one of you stops breathing.
Celebrate with a scented oil massage.
Yet, now it is time to break free from the bonds these quacks have put us in. It is time to realize that your pain is a troubled and orphaned adolescent with an abusive foster family.
Yes, you heard me: all pain is roughly thirteen years old with bruises on its arm -- bruises that it claims are from falling down the stairs or bumping into a door knob.
Not only that, your pain can fly. Did you know that your pain soars out of your body across the sky -- and visits neighborhood children while you sleep? With promises of fun and excitement, and trailing fairy dust, he leads them back inside you -- where the real Neverland really does exist.
Yet, just as you didn't know Neverland really, really existed -- inside you or out -- so also does your pain not know that you exist. In order to get any rest from the constant wrenching in your stomach and lungs -- caused by this little boy's playing and dreaming -- you will have to find him, sit him down, and make him believe you are real.
How To Find Him:
Place some duct tape around your tear ducts and go to sleep. When you wake up in the morning, the little boy will be wriggling on your face, stuck in the glue, and trying to get free.
Sitting Him Down:
Rip the tape and the boy off of your face and place him on the floor. This will be much easier if you had the foresight to use double-sided tape.
Making Him Believe You are Real:
If you went out for work one morning, found yourself caught in an enormous trap and then were plucked from the world you know into a wholly other one by an enormous figure that claimed you weren't real but were actually an ephemeral piece of the whole that manifested itself as emotions in someone else much more real than yourself, what would you need them to say to convince and comfort you?
Take a few minutes to write your answer down and simply repeat these words to the little boy again and again until one of you stops breathing.
Celebrate with a scented oil massage.
Daily Inspirational #8 - Live Every Day Looking Forward to the Last Day of the Week and Die After the 7th Week
Look, why live every day like you're going die, when how you live determines what will happen in the afterlife?
If you live like your going to die, you should probably understand that you are not very special. In fact, you are a stupid and shameless coward who, out of an irrational fear of the unknown, pretends to appreciate life's brevity. With that method, you leave yourself nothing but death after you die.
So stop crying like a retard in your basement at 4am and try my 7-week-bliss-after-death program, because it really works.
I would know.
Don't be a whiny, stupid asshole. Don't live every day as if it were your last, spending useless time and money on things you don't really need or want, like bungee jumping or loving your family while bungee jumping.
Instead, I need you to spend every minute of every day looking forward to 5 'o clock, Friday, OK?
You will spend every minute as if it were gold, measuring the distance between you and the end of the work week.
Here's how it works: Every chance you get, remind yourself and your co-workers just how far away 5 o' clock, Friday, really is.
When you are using the bathroom, take a hit of your inhaler and say to those sitting in the stall next to you, "Boy, sure glad Friday is almost here" or "It's almost Friday!" or "Hey, it's still almost Friday!" If you don't get a response, knock down the stall door and beat them until they pose as a centerfold in the calender you have made.
When sitting at your desk and your boss comes along and reprimands you for wearing jeans on Thursday, pop a Zanax with 500 mg of vitamin C and say to the person sitting next to you, "Is it five o' clock yet or what?"
And just as you get on that elevator to leave the office, right when five o' clock, Friday, finally arrives -- start the whole process over. Why? Because 5 o' clock, Friday, was but a fleeting moment, a false carrot attached to the short end of a rotting stick in your ass.
Now, do this for 7 weeks, and I will personally come to your house and kill you, escort your empty soul, along with your toupee and penis pump, to the gates of heaven and proudly hand you over to a life-after-death so grand, you will be the envy of your former self.
What then? You will live eternally in the moment just before 5pm, Friday -- the greatest moment of your life, at least since the day you started to lose all your hair and began working as a account person at a small-time financial risk-assessment firm that has been running itself into the ground for years.
I mean, that was great. But trust me, this is probably going to be much better*.
* No Money back guarantee
If you live like your going to die, you should probably understand that you are not very special. In fact, you are a stupid and shameless coward who, out of an irrational fear of the unknown, pretends to appreciate life's brevity. With that method, you leave yourself nothing but death after you die.
So stop crying like a retard in your basement at 4am and try my 7-week-bliss-after-death program, because it really works.
I would know.
Don't be a whiny, stupid asshole. Don't live every day as if it were your last, spending useless time and money on things you don't really need or want, like bungee jumping or loving your family while bungee jumping.
Instead, I need you to spend every minute of every day looking forward to 5 'o clock, Friday, OK?
You will spend every minute as if it were gold, measuring the distance between you and the end of the work week.
Here's how it works: Every chance you get, remind yourself and your co-workers just how far away 5 o' clock, Friday, really is.
When you are using the bathroom, take a hit of your inhaler and say to those sitting in the stall next to you, "Boy, sure glad Friday is almost here" or "It's almost Friday!" or "Hey, it's still almost Friday!" If you don't get a response, knock down the stall door and beat them until they pose as a centerfold in the calender you have made.
When sitting at your desk and your boss comes along and reprimands you for wearing jeans on Thursday, pop a Zanax with 500 mg of vitamin C and say to the person sitting next to you, "Is it five o' clock yet or what?"
And just as you get on that elevator to leave the office, right when five o' clock, Friday, finally arrives -- start the whole process over. Why? Because 5 o' clock, Friday, was but a fleeting moment, a false carrot attached to the short end of a rotting stick in your ass.
Now, do this for 7 weeks, and I will personally come to your house and kill you, escort your empty soul, along with your toupee and penis pump, to the gates of heaven and proudly hand you over to a life-after-death so grand, you will be the envy of your former self.
What then? You will live eternally in the moment just before 5pm, Friday -- the greatest moment of your life, at least since the day you started to lose all your hair and began working as a account person at a small-time financial risk-assessment firm that has been running itself into the ground for years.
I mean, that was great. But trust me, this is probably going to be much better*.
* No Money back guarantee
Daily Inspirational # 7 - You Are More Than You Know
Sure, everyone knows about the left brain and the right brain, but what's the biggest part of your brain?
The subconscious, of course!
In fact, it's so big that it doesn't even fit inside of your head! Few know it, but you are actually much more than exists within your body.
For example, did you know that Florida is a part of your body? All you have to do is take it back. Yes, Florida is yours to have and absorb like a mop taking water.
Though it is your right to claim them, it is also your job and responsibility to actively seek out the rest of your missing parts -- such as all of your memories -- which are now people whose lives you are entitled to control -- and all of your aspirations -- which are actually homes and part of a large and succesful condo development in the South West. They are owned and lived in by families you don't love.
Now, if you plan correctly, by the time you retire, you may just be able to save up enough to buy back your dreams and control your memories -- but only if you start saving now and track down that enormous subconscious which is located in space.
You will require a rocket and a large net to catch it.
Here are some helpful websites to help you get started.
Rocket
Net
Good luck!
The subconscious, of course!
In fact, it's so big that it doesn't even fit inside of your head! Few know it, but you are actually much more than exists within your body.
For example, did you know that Florida is a part of your body? All you have to do is take it back. Yes, Florida is yours to have and absorb like a mop taking water.
Though it is your right to claim them, it is also your job and responsibility to actively seek out the rest of your missing parts -- such as all of your memories -- which are now people whose lives you are entitled to control -- and all of your aspirations -- which are actually homes and part of a large and succesful condo development in the South West. They are owned and lived in by families you don't love.
Now, if you plan correctly, by the time you retire, you may just be able to save up enough to buy back your dreams and control your memories -- but only if you start saving now and track down that enormous subconscious which is located in space.
You will require a rocket and a large net to catch it.
Here are some helpful websites to help you get started.
Rocket
Net
Good luck!
Daily Inspirational # 6 - Stop trying to fill that fist-sized hole in your chest with life-affirming objects!
Listen: That hole is a regret-hole and it is not empty -- it's filled with a dipping sauce, and life-affirming objects only mar the natural zest of it's creamy base!
And you know what else? That dipping sauce in your regret hole -- it's made almost entirely of regret.
Now, let's be honest here: Don't you regret dipping into that regret sauce?
Well, no wonder! It tastes like crap!
Look: while your regret could be served at a dinner party, your family and friends would not be very pleased. But that's no problem because your primary concern is to live your life feeling guilty about things that are beyond your control -- not to try and fix it!
Don't you get it -- Your life sucks and there's nothing you can do about it and that's what you like about it!
That's where we come in! Did you see that look of disappointment on your father's face? How about your grandma crying? Well, turn those frowns upside down in minutes! Our Real Lime-Regret-Chest-Hole Zesty Dipping Sauce with Chives (TM) will suck your family into your chest and fill both you and them with something akin to fulfillment!*
*Note: you may notice your family flaking off in much the same way that dumplings leave bits of crust floating in your sternum.
And remember, don't just share your regret-hole -- regret sharing it too!
And you know what else? That dipping sauce in your regret hole -- it's made almost entirely of regret.
Now, let's be honest here: Don't you regret dipping into that regret sauce?
Well, no wonder! It tastes like crap!
Look: while your regret could be served at a dinner party, your family and friends would not be very pleased. But that's no problem because your primary concern is to live your life feeling guilty about things that are beyond your control -- not to try and fix it!
Don't you get it -- Your life sucks and there's nothing you can do about it and that's what you like about it!
That's where we come in! Did you see that look of disappointment on your father's face? How about your grandma crying? Well, turn those frowns upside down in minutes! Our Real Lime-Regret-Chest-Hole Zesty Dipping Sauce with Chives (TM) will suck your family into your chest and fill both you and them with something akin to fulfillment!*
*Note: you may notice your family flaking off in much the same way that dumplings leave bits of crust floating in your sternum.
And remember, don't just share your regret-hole -- regret sharing it too!
Daily Inspirational #5 - Making Yourself Heard
Do you ever feel as if no one is listening? That no matter how hard you try, whatever you say falls deep into a well that only you know exists? We've all been there, and it is very frustrating.
But tell me friend, isn't this deep well made of flesh and cartilage? Take a closer look as you spew out demands and declarations -- aren't those "rocks" just tiny, square lobes?
You see, that deep fleshy well is actually your own ear, and if you want to truly make yourself heard -- you will have to flush those ears out as if you were rowing a kayak on white water rapids!
Most people do not know this, but the loudest part of the body is the ear. However, you will need to do two major things before your ears do the talking for you.
1. Build up your triceps: most likely, the weight of the things that you "haven't" said will be more than you can lift at the moment. If you stick to an exercise regimen, though, you will soon move your arms so quickly that you will appear to others as if a humming bird shooting semen from its wings.
2. Get teeth in your ears: People only listen to things with teeth. This is a fact. You may already have teeth in your mouth, but they will be far more effective in your deep fleshy wells. Knock the teeth out with a hammer and shove them in your ears.
Good luck -- and have fun finally being heard by real people.
But tell me friend, isn't this deep well made of flesh and cartilage? Take a closer look as you spew out demands and declarations -- aren't those "rocks" just tiny, square lobes?
You see, that deep fleshy well is actually your own ear, and if you want to truly make yourself heard -- you will have to flush those ears out as if you were rowing a kayak on white water rapids!
Most people do not know this, but the loudest part of the body is the ear. However, you will need to do two major things before your ears do the talking for you.
1. Build up your triceps: most likely, the weight of the things that you "haven't" said will be more than you can lift at the moment. If you stick to an exercise regimen, though, you will soon move your arms so quickly that you will appear to others as if a humming bird shooting semen from its wings.
2. Get teeth in your ears: People only listen to things with teeth. This is a fact. You may already have teeth in your mouth, but they will be far more effective in your deep fleshy wells. Knock the teeth out with a hammer and shove them in your ears.
Good luck -- and have fun finally being heard by real people.
Daily Inspirational #4 - Stand Up!
Today, why not stand up? Why not get right up, throw off those huge metal braces that hold you in place?
Because you are a riveted, riveting, steam powered bull made of rusted and corrugated steal.
You were made in a factory, shipped via truck and boat, and then nailed into a concrete platform. You are a coin operated, gyrating monument to something no one remembers.
That's why you can't stand up -- but even though you cannot move, remember that the view is great!
Because you are a riveted, riveting, steam powered bull made of rusted and corrugated steal.
You were made in a factory, shipped via truck and boat, and then nailed into a concrete platform. You are a coin operated, gyrating monument to something no one remembers.
That's why you can't stand up -- but even though you cannot move, remember that the view is great!
Daily Inspirational #3 - The Boondoggle of Reflection
"Life reflects your own thoughts back to you"Well, OK, sure. But what is reflection? Here's one definition: Reflection is a braided cord worn by Boy Scouts as a neckerchief slide -- often presented by a man.
There's only one problem: the man who presents the colorful kerchief of reflection to you will not be a man at all; he will be no more than an "application."
"Wait a minute!" you might say. "This sounds like 100% nonsense. If the man who gives me 'reflection' is nothing but an 'application,' how will I know it is him? Will there be any obvious sign by which I might interpret his gesture and properly accept the stylish yet functional accessory of reflection?"
Not really, no.
But there is hope -- because the "man-application" may suddenly and without warning make use of external, user-defined classes by creating instances of extensibility objects -- real objects you can see and touch, such as teeth, rocks, arm chairs, and rib-eye steaks cooked to perfection. This is a chance operation in which the man-application will make nearly everything* until a kerchief -- or boondoggle -- appears.
Utilize this information whether you understand it or not. Imitate every move the "reflection giver" or "giver.app" makes and create the kerchief at the exact moment he does.
You must wear this object.
The result? When wearing the boondoggle, you will see no one but yourself mirrored in everything and everybody else. Learn to accept seeing yourself through the clothing you wear. Sport the boondoggle with a protein shake from Jamba Juice and understand your true purpose. Walk lightly down the runway of life and become the envy of those who surround you, for they shall look to see themselves in you and find no one there but you. In essence, they have become you.
Everyone has.
Especially you.
*"Everything" in this instance refers to the following: NOT LISTED.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
