The Inner Child

You may have heard the term, "inner child." This is more than a hip and helpful phrase that people say at parties -- it is a real phenomenon and it is a disease.

Your childhood is a parasite that lives in your blood and hunts your bones, and it has come back from the dead.

Now, don't get me wrong: Your childhood still needs milk and your bones are the closest things in your body to a woman's lactating breasts. This is practically a fact.

Facts and Fictions

FACT: While riding T-cells like small horsies, your childhood breaks into what might be described as tribal groups and rushes through your body seeking huge white, calcium-rich beasts to slay. They wear your memories as leggings, spurring forward with the sharp-bits of nostalgia and guilt. Hope and innocence are their jagged teeth.

FICTION: Your childhood is unstoppable and will soon overtake you.

The Secret

Listen, if you care about why your bones are not entirely decimated by the small army of your childhood, then I will let you in on a well-hidden secret.

Listen: It is nothing but our childhood's foolish desire to control nature that has disallowed it from killing our bones. Look: the bottom line is, if they try to control the T-cell horsies, neither will ever get back to the bones because the T-Cells naturally gravitate toward bones. However, when they are controlled (by our childhood), this innate desire is erased!

In addition, the very fact that the tribal groups are controlling your cells is the reason that they are selling freedom for drugs -- which they are. If they were to only let the T-Cells guide them instead of using them in accordance with their Full Prescribing Information, they would be led immediately to the bones, the place they actually want to be -- the place you, your bones, your blood, your childhood, your T-cells and your newly acquired crack-cocaine (previously bought with Freedom Units) will learn to be a real family -- or else. Yet, so long as they look for it, they will never find it.

Lucky for you, this conundrum keeps you and your bones safe from harm. In fact, this ongoing process is why you have bones at all, or a body to put them in.

You Are Protected By An Ancient Coincidence

But there is a problem: When isolated, remote and high in the mountains, your childhood has transportation difficulties. The terrain becomes so impassible they can no longer steer. In fact, because of these crippling difficulties, your childhood entirely forfeits the bone-hunt and resigns itself to failure -- thus letting the T-Cells control themselves once again -- and therefore allowing your childhood to finally succeed via a roundabout and entirely accidental journey to the bones, led by T-Cell guilt and various drug addictions.

And this is where THE BATTLE begins -- in the loneliest place on Earth: your bones!

Something to Consider

Here's a tip: Tin mining is where it's at. Not iron.

One of the rituals in this ancient battle is to create your opponent's shield, and he yours. Let your childhood choose his material first. If everything goes according to plan, he will cut corners in production and utilize the blood's most abundant resource -- iron.

Once your childhood has completed your shoddy but strong armor, it is time for you to exercise finesse and guile by making use of your blood's least known resource: tin foil. You will find it deep within the large redwoods of the colon. Use buckets, tree-taps and patience to sap the foil from the ancient wood in flimsy sheets. Toss a few of these together and you have an entirely useless armor -- but your opponent will be blinded by it's elegance and rarity.

Do not worry about the cost of acquisition and production. Tin foil is a product of your body -- and you don't have to pay for anything but tolls. This is a little known fact, but a useful one especially in tourist season.

You Must Fight Your Opponent

I have a confession to make... Unfortunately, your opponent will not be your childhood but instead it's official representative: your infancy -- which has been hunting your childhood's bones all along. And, according to sources speaking on terms of anonymity*, "it's so sweet, it's like taking candy from a baby."

But it won't be your infancy that you fight either, actually; from within your infancy's blood appears your pregnancy term -- and from within your pregnancy term appears your conception.

You will fight all of them as one opponent.


* you, much later

How To Win/Safety Information

IF YOU EXPERIENCE DIZZINESS, GASTROINTESITNAL NOISES, HEART VALVE DESPERATION, STRANGE WARTS, HORRIBLE IDEAS, DO NOT STOP FOR ANY REASON. THESE SYMPTOMS CONNOTE SUCCESS.

You must continue to age and acquire serious medical conditions.

Search for the pieces of diseases that are hidden in rooms, caves, and other important moments in your life -- all of which are actually stored deep inside your body. All of the places you have ever been are stored away like old newspapers and grow dusty in your organs and bio-systems. Keep hunting!

Once your burlap item-sack is entirely full of ailments, rapidly increase your age by turning the knob on the bottom of your spleen to "OLD."

What Conquering Really Looks Like

As you face off against your childhood in a cathedral of bones and chicken wire, harness the nearby donkey -- it is a good means of transportation -- and ready your sword.

You will know that your childhood has been vanquished when spiders fall on wisps of dander -- and balloon through the stadium dropping diapers filled with flowers and candy.