Daily Inspirational #5509412: Have a Hot God Eating Contest in Dog's Kingdom

Now's the time. “What's time?” you say. “What the hell do you mean by time?”

Well, imagine a non-spatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from the past through present to future.

Now imagine a specific point on that non-spatial continuum.

Got it? Great, we’re almost done.

Now, think of this special point as – paradoxically – filled with space. Finally, envision that from this “space” flies an “event” composed of many moist brown edible tubes that have been mechanically recovered from a divine meat slurry. Sealed in air-tight packaging for freshness, these objects go by many names – but only one word describes their extreme precooked rubbery essence: Hot Dog.

That’s right, you silly sausages, it’s time to mustard up the courage and participate in God's Hot Dog Eating Contest – it's the most important event planned for this entire year.

Even if you don’t win, you will most certainly relish the experience, because when it comes to eating hot dogs, there’s no losing – only winning. Winning and throwing up.

Please don’t even think about making excuses. If you’re behind on your work – ketchup. Or simply abandon whatever it is you are doing, for there is nothing as important as this "event" in your entire "life." It's time to get your mind out of the gutter and into God's ball park, Frank.

Look, when George Washington Carver secured patent #1,243,855 for a milk substitute made from peanuts and soybeans, he wasn’t thinking about completing some menial task to satisfy an unrealistic deadline. He was sharp-shooting for immortality – pure and simple.

So, go out and get your share of microwavable immortality at the great Hot Dog Eating Contest in the sky – or else.

We’ll see you there.

Notice: if you’re pregnant, always heat your hot dogs up to 160-70 degrees to avoid Listeriosis. Always protect your unborn children, no matter how ugly they might grow up to be.

Fun Fact: The earliest usage of "hot dog" in clear reference to sausage can be found in the September 28, 1893 edition of The Knoxville Journal:
It was so cool last night that the appearance of overcoats was common, and stoves and grates were again brought into comfortable use. Even the weinerwurst men began preparing to get the "hot dogs" ready for sale Saturday night.