There is no need to elucidate that pun or lewd innuendo inherent to the phrase "entry level position." That in order to gain such elementary status, the first foothold on the corporate ladder, requires you to get into a position which would enable easy entry should be, by now at least, common sense and household knowledge, much the same as we understand innately how to butter bread or poach an egg, as if from birth we emerged with knives and smears and boiling wisps of white on our fingertips. And that competitive anal sex as a job asset is therefore tantamount to such breakfast trivialities only furthers the argument that entry level positions and their requisite maneuvers are humdrum and rather boring.
Rather, the truly wayward professional should not bother his/herself with the lallygagging associated with these old fashioned and outmoded fetish-to-the-top approaches -- if one is truly ambitious, one should be more concerned with gaining a removal or extraction level position, such that not only will you be entered but that also something shall be taken from within you. This type of gift giving may seem new now, but it is actually in the ancient tradition of making homages and offerings that our ancestors often reveled in. We should be so lucky as to carry on this bygone tradition by opening our orifices to the lowest level project managers and letting them pull from our colons meager trinkets and stuffed curiosities as if plucking winnings from a coin-operated claw game. And that's the rub, isn't it? There's little in this world that separates our bodies or our lives from coin-operated claw games. Shove something in there and see what comes out -- the sooner you realize that this is the natural and honest state of things, the sooner you will have a slim shot of maybe ascending one pay step.
Be creative: as you offer yourself to superiors, think of new and innovative ways to become open. What other holes do you have? What other holes can you make? If you sense that the higher-ups are having trouble removing a prize from you, don't be afraid to shimmy or shake a bit to jostle something out -- it will only flatter and enamor them to you -- and as you lay there prostrate in the extraction level position waiting for the big one, ignore all the others around you in the arcade. Their successes or failures in their own positions are of no consequence to you. If you see them bleeding or being broken down for parts, know that this is rare and probably incidental.
Showing posts with label Business Scents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Business Scents. Show all posts
Business Scents #1: Starting Your Own Company
You Want To Be Your Own Boss
This is true of all humans. It's genetic. Ironically, even though you may want to be him, you also hate your boss. It at first appears to not make any sense, but since it is also genetic that you hate yourself, this seemingly paradoxical idea is actually a foregone conclusion: you want to be your boss because it's more efficient. You will only have to hate one person, yourself -- rather than two -- in order to get the same amount accomplished. You will end up with a surplus of hate that can be used elsewhere, giving you an edge on competitors.
Take this noble desire to maximize your hate's potential -- and commence with the following steps in order to successfully launch your own business.
1. Get a "Partner"
Yes, any good business has a partner. Partners help accomplish tasks and achieve company goals. You often hear people saying, "I made partner!" with glee. What most people don't know, though, is that partner is another word for patsy. No one wants to be called patsy, though, and you wouldn't be able to hire anyone for that position. People have pride and integrity and you need to respect that, so when you coerce and manipulate a close business associate into lending you money and giving you free intellectual property, call him or her "partner." This will make it seem as if things are great for them too and not just you.
Maintaining a good "seemingness" is the key to a strong business.
2. Establish Your Seeming
One important thing you need to know is that your company doesn't need to do anything. It is a well known fact that most new businesses fail, but very few people are aware that the failures are due in large part to one fatal mistake: these companies try to actually do, sell, make, or supply something. It is a myth that successful companies do anything at all, and it is one that you need to let go of as soon as possible if you want any hope of making this work.
So, forget what your business will or will not actually do, sit down with a pen and paper, and write out a bunch of things that you think sound fantastic. Anything will do. Here is an example: "Bringing together community and family in order to ease the lives of millions." Wouldn't that be nice? Absolutely! Write it down -- that's a freebie. This list will constitute how your business appears to others.
A great way to do this, actually, is simply to "get together" with your partner (you don't really need to be there, but just say "get together") and have him or her make this list for you. Make sure you remind your partner that it was your idea to have him or her come up with all the ideas -- otherwise your partner might start to think they are doing all the work (which they are, if you are doing this right, but keep that on the DL).
Now, once your partner is finished doing your work, walk around telling everyone that the world is a wonderful place but wouldn't it be better if we had all the things on this list? Then give them your card and get out of there before they start asking questions. You might not even know what's on the list (you don't need to because none of it is going to happen), so if people start asking questions, the seemingness of it all might begin to deteriorate, and that's when you will have to prove something, and then before you know it you'll need to "produce results" and then your company is yesterday's bad joke.
So, remember, 1) the world is great, but it can be better if we do some things that your company is aligned with (but not actually committed to do), and 3) give out your card and start running.
3. Tell People You Are Making Money
Companies don't make money. That's a fact. What differentiates a successful company from an unsuccessful company is how well they can convince others that they are making money.
But doesn't Coca-Cola make a lot of money? And what about Google and Microsoft? Aren't they making a lot of money?
The fact that you might believe they are making a lot of money is only more proof of how good these companies are at convincing people that they are making a lot of money. If it is hard to let go of this belief, it is because these companies are true mavericks.
Convincing people starts at home. That is, you need to believe before anyone else that you are making a lot of money.
It's simple: Set up a bank account. Get ledgers. Write lots of numbers on pads. Use calculators. Tally things up. Make a habit of going to the bank and casually checking things out. Look at stock options with calm curiosity.
Share these numbers with others and tell them things are going just great. You may go into enormous debt, but keep telling people that you are successful, much more than them.
This is the definition of success.
4. Get a Job To Support Yourself
The toughest part of having your own business and being your own boss is having to find a job to support yourself while you live out this ridiculous fantasy. Check the local classifieds for listings. If you get a good job, you can really finance some great seemingness spectacles for your business. The better you do in your job, the better chance you will have of not needing to work anymore. So keep working, and work hard! If you are lucky, you may be able to work your way up to partner.
Congratulations!
This is true of all humans. It's genetic. Ironically, even though you may want to be him, you also hate your boss. It at first appears to not make any sense, but since it is also genetic that you hate yourself, this seemingly paradoxical idea is actually a foregone conclusion: you want to be your boss because it's more efficient. You will only have to hate one person, yourself -- rather than two -- in order to get the same amount accomplished. You will end up with a surplus of hate that can be used elsewhere, giving you an edge on competitors.
Take this noble desire to maximize your hate's potential -- and commence with the following steps in order to successfully launch your own business.
1. Get a "Partner"
Yes, any good business has a partner. Partners help accomplish tasks and achieve company goals. You often hear people saying, "I made partner!" with glee. What most people don't know, though, is that partner is another word for patsy. No one wants to be called patsy, though, and you wouldn't be able to hire anyone for that position. People have pride and integrity and you need to respect that, so when you coerce and manipulate a close business associate into lending you money and giving you free intellectual property, call him or her "partner." This will make it seem as if things are great for them too and not just you.
Maintaining a good "seemingness" is the key to a strong business.
2. Establish Your Seeming
One important thing you need to know is that your company doesn't need to do anything. It is a well known fact that most new businesses fail, but very few people are aware that the failures are due in large part to one fatal mistake: these companies try to actually do, sell, make, or supply something. It is a myth that successful companies do anything at all, and it is one that you need to let go of as soon as possible if you want any hope of making this work.
So, forget what your business will or will not actually do, sit down with a pen and paper, and write out a bunch of things that you think sound fantastic. Anything will do. Here is an example: "Bringing together community and family in order to ease the lives of millions." Wouldn't that be nice? Absolutely! Write it down -- that's a freebie. This list will constitute how your business appears to others.
A great way to do this, actually, is simply to "get together" with your partner (you don't really need to be there, but just say "get together") and have him or her make this list for you. Make sure you remind your partner that it was your idea to have him or her come up with all the ideas -- otherwise your partner might start to think they are doing all the work (which they are, if you are doing this right, but keep that on the DL).
Now, once your partner is finished doing your work, walk around telling everyone that the world is a wonderful place but wouldn't it be better if we had all the things on this list? Then give them your card and get out of there before they start asking questions. You might not even know what's on the list (you don't need to because none of it is going to happen), so if people start asking questions, the seemingness of it all might begin to deteriorate, and that's when you will have to prove something, and then before you know it you'll need to "produce results" and then your company is yesterday's bad joke.
So, remember, 1) the world is great, but it can be better if we do some things that your company is aligned with (but not actually committed to do), and 3) give out your card and start running.
3. Tell People You Are Making Money
Companies don't make money. That's a fact. What differentiates a successful company from an unsuccessful company is how well they can convince others that they are making money.
But doesn't Coca-Cola make a lot of money? And what about Google and Microsoft? Aren't they making a lot of money?
The fact that you might believe they are making a lot of money is only more proof of how good these companies are at convincing people that they are making a lot of money. If it is hard to let go of this belief, it is because these companies are true mavericks.
Convincing people starts at home. That is, you need to believe before anyone else that you are making a lot of money.
It's simple: Set up a bank account. Get ledgers. Write lots of numbers on pads. Use calculators. Tally things up. Make a habit of going to the bank and casually checking things out. Look at stock options with calm curiosity.
Share these numbers with others and tell them things are going just great. You may go into enormous debt, but keep telling people that you are successful, much more than them.
This is the definition of success.
4. Get a Job To Support Yourself
The toughest part of having your own business and being your own boss is having to find a job to support yourself while you live out this ridiculous fantasy. Check the local classifieds for listings. If you get a good job, you can really finance some great seemingness spectacles for your business. The better you do in your job, the better chance you will have of not needing to work anymore. So keep working, and work hard! If you are lucky, you may be able to work your way up to partner.
Congratulations!
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