It's an all too common scenario: you are alone and have been alone for a long time. Worst of all, you feel as if you will always be alone, and everyone around you seems to confirm this by being with everyone else in the world but you. It's like some terrible game of musical chairs where you can't even hear the goddamn music.
Sure, people notice you. But when they do? They tell you "your table for one is ready, sir/madam." That's right: to everyone else, you are practically genderless. Even you can hardly remember if you are a man or a woman -- because both concepts have nearly lost their meaning.
It comes down to this: nobody loves you and you don't love them either. Who are these people and why should you love them anyway?
If this is how you feel, then congratulations: you have just taken the first step to being in love and, more importantly, having love in you.
The next step is a little more complicated. You need to get someone into your bed, and you have to get them to sleep there. There are numerous books available on this topic -- pick one to your liking and give it a go. They all work. In fact, just buy a book on the subject, hand it to a stranger on the street and they will probably come home and sleep in your bed.
But, contrary to popular belief, 90% of the time this isn't love. Experts will tell you all sorts of things, but most of what they tell you about love is a lie. Here are the top 3 lies love "experts" love to say:
1. Love is a bond between two people. FALSE
2. Love is a deeply emotional experience: FALSE
3. Love can be engendered through intimacy, both sexual and otherwise. FALSE
NO: Love is not a bond, it is not emotional, and it is not intimate or sexual. Rather, love is a nutritional parasite that can only be eaten at night while a stranger is sleeping.
That's right: the one true thing the experts say is: There is love inside all of us. Yes, there is, and it's breeding and multiplying and feeding off of your body.
Love lays it's eggs all around us and gets under our fingernails. At night, the little things come out of our anuses and secrete an ooze that makes you itch. When you scratch near your ass, the eggs are implanted there, hatch, and then crawl in to live and feed.
So, here is what you do: while the stranger you picked up off the street sleeps, keep yourself awake with fresh brewed coffee or caffeine pills. Once the stranger is snoring soundly, shine a flashlight on their anus and wait for love to come marching out. When you see it, snatch it up and gobble it down.
You will feel a high like that of cocaine. It will last for twenty minutes or so, followed by a steep withdrawal. In order to keep the high going, place some tape on your new lover's (yes, you are lovers now!) ass. In the morning, before they wake, remove the tape and have a look. Love will be squirming all over it. Store this in the fridge. It should last you about a week.
Eventually, your tolerance will increase and you will need to ingest more -- and more often. At this point, consider marriage.
Until then, though? Keep taping the anus.
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