1. Eat a healthy breakfast
Often, the one difference between a good day and all out war is a few eggs and toast. Poland skipped breakfast and Hitler invaded. 9/11 skipped breakfast and flew planes into itself. So, when you get up, find some eggs. Find some toast. Cook the eggs. Cook the toast. Eat the eggs. Eat the toast. You will have done your part in saving our nation and economy. Bonus points for grapefruit -- which builds orphanages. 10,000 life points!
2. Mirror pep talk
Try standing in front of the mirror and telling it how much you like it. For goodness sake, your mirror is always honest with you, so tell it how much you appreciate that already, and then for the rest of the day, you'll feel like you've done a good thing for someone, namely a glass picture of yourself. Happy mirrors are known to bring good luck, too. While you are gone it might even clean your room and think about telling you secrets. Very happy mirrors follow you wherever you go and make magic happen, like tax deductions. The first fifteen people to do this every morning get six coupons redeemable somewhere you can never find! Feel the potential!
3. Kill your parents
Shoot them in the head and take their powers, which are many. Their powers need to be scraped off the wall. This should get you through the day, at least until lunch time. Look for the secret decoder ring.
4. Establish a form of mental domination over someone weaker than you
Spend each morning slowly breaking someone down until they give up completely. You will feel as if you are working toward a larger goal -- the pay off to which is especially rewarding. Also, in the end, there will be one less person to compete against -- which brings you one step closer to winning. Tip: Children are easy and can be broken in batches, but they have a low "power-pulp" (flesh) yield..
5. Get into the the freezer, naked
And never come out. Free shipping.
5. Don't get up at all
There are two ways to do this. First, stay in bed and pretend you are dead while your loved ones scream and cry over your catatonic body.
Second, stay laying down but do get out of bed: then wiggle out of the house, slithering around on the ground. This will give you a new perspective on things. 1/2 off!
5. Ride a lawnmower around the football field
Seriously, this feels great. Don't mow anything though. This is about you, not grass. While supplies last! Yes!
Good morning and good luck.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.