If you're like the rest of us, sometimes you eat. And just like us, you wish you could stop because you are literally dripping with the physical remnants of your impulsive behavior. And god, how many times have you resolved to give up food on New Years Eve?
110 times -- we've been counting.
It's time to face facts, though -- you aren't giving up food. Few know this, but studies have shown that food may be necessary for a healthy life style. Yet, other studies show that food is the number one cause of death in all of the world and throughout all of history. It's also the reason you are so fat and stupid which you are admit it. These facts are hard to understand and you've spent your life trying not to solve the equation, but guess what? You're over 100 years old and you aren't getting any younger, so it's time to accept the reality of it all.
You are an eating monster and everyone is disgusted by you.
So what then? You can't give up food, it's impossible -- and you can't live without eating, studies have shown -- so what the hell? I mean, really, what the hell.
Is every human doomed at birth to die of either starvation or eating related diseases?
Until today, the answer to that question would have been yes. Today, however, that answer is a strong maybe because of the BCCWE diet.
This is the only diet that guarantees the possibility of living forever.
BCCWE stands for:
Always Bread
Never Cheese
Sometimes Corn
Usually Water
and a pinch of no Exceptions except sometimes, to taste!
Here's a quick explanation of it all:
Always Bread
Bread is never bad for you and if you eat it all the time everyday you will be showered with the love and praise and success that you've always dreamed of and never deserved. Seriously, try it. The Atkins diet is actually an extension of the Eugenics program intended to keep minorities away from the precious commodity of bread which as we all know is the flesh of Christ -- refined.
Never Cheese
Cheese is a sexually transmitted disease. No joke. Sure it tastes great, but guess what? It's just a whipped and churned and aged STD and it will strangle you in your sleep and, like all STDs, will steal your identity and empty your bank accounts while telling your mother lies about you over coffee on Sunday while you have to run errands because you're the responsible one and why doesn't anyone notice that but whatever you're not going to say anything. Avoid it at all costs.
Sometimes Corn
If you are in tune with rightness and goodness (and you better be -- otherwise, get out!), you will know when it is time to eat corn. You should get a kind of rattling feeling in your kneecaps and a series of pulleys should yank you in the direction of Kansas. Otherwise, avoid corn because it supports child labor.
Usually Water
Drink water non stop, but then other times don't. If you follow this exactly, you will be good. If not, it's going to be bad. Maybe.
A pinch of no Exceptions except sometimes, to taste!
Don't break these rules if you want to live, unless you need to, then it's okay. You can write in to the central credit union explaining the mitigating circumstances and have your case looked at by a 3rd party -- if it goes well, your exceptions will not lead to immediate annihilation but instead to a huge celebration at the local Rec Center for discovering a great opportunity for all of us to finally indulge in what we have so long denied ourselves because of stupid regulations! Thanks. Otherwise, they'll fucking kill you because you can't stay in line and are deliberately thwarting authority.
So guess what? Eating is ridiculous and insane but that's the way the world works and you have to do it, so do it right! Use the BCCWE diet or rot in hell you fat whore.
PS: I don't love you any more and I'm keeping the kids.
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