Wine is served in a kind of glass called "stemware" because the temperature at which the wine is served has a serious impact on the world's ecological balance. Wine should always be held by the stem of the glass.
If you hold the globe of the glass, the heat of your hand will warm the wine, and the entire earth (because the globe of the wine glass is in fact the entire world globe), causing major earthquakes, flooding, wildfires and the movie Speed, staring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, to play on a constant loop against the greatest movie screen of all: the night sky. The stars will be obliterated.
The reason for this is that tiny parasite microbes, once locked in the billions of layers of mica in the ancient wine globe, which is the world, will have infected your brain. Those microbes will alter your DNA, the DNA of the world -- and worst of all -- the outcome of the movie Speed, staring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.
Warming wine above its desired serving temperature will yield unwanted and nasty characteristics in your face and hands, which are the only two things this woman you brought to dinner is looking at anyway.
You will notice that after the first bite of your medium-rare rib-eye, your face and hands will have become three speeding buses that cannot be stopped, just like in the movie Speed, staring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock -- that's right, the movie you just saw with this woman who won't stop staring at your hands and face.
The alcohol in the wine, now in the buses' slimy jaws (the buses will have mouths), will cause disruption to the psyches of the buses (the buses will have feelings), and the buses will explode if the temperature reaches 74 degrees Fahrenheit. You will notice that the major tension here is not unlike that of the movie Speed, staring Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock
This kind of detonation could cause major structural damage to the wine glass and therefore the world, not to mention serious embarrassment to you and your date, and the beginning of the end of humanity as we know it.
For what does it mean to be dead except to watch movies repeating against the infinite black heavens that is our night sky?
Enough said? Just hold the glass by the friggin' stem -- that is, unless the wine is served too cool and you need to warm it for a minute. This is sometimes considered acceptable by the riskier restaurateurs during the first frost. But, be warned: you can only warm the world if you have a 1997 984B, with two inline 8 cylinder engines and about 89,000 miles.
If this is the case, excuse yourself from the table, go to the men's room and check to see if the thermostat gauge near the speedometer has started to lean more toward the cold blue section.
But you really shouldn't risk it, because, if you get it wrong, it's not just a matter of Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves dying. No, it's that we will have to watch them live and die in a bus explosion many times every day, over and over again, for the rest of eternity -- and no body needs that shit.
