Millions of people are asking themselves, "Why did I just have a heart attack? I'm 37 years old, healthy, married, a forensic psychologist, and named Deborah. It doesn't make sense!"
And millions more people, even those not (yet) named Deborah, are having the same problem.
Everywhere you look, someone is grabbing their chests and falling to the floor. Look there, that man with the newspaper. Is he really reading quietly or is he grabbing his chest and falling to the floor? That woman in the rose bushes -- is she really gardening or is she grabbing her chest and falling to the floor?
The answers to all of these questions, obviously, is no one is doing anything at all right now. You are not reading this, you are having a heart attack. The President of The United States of America is not signing treaties and vetoing bills, he is suffering from a massive coronary. Take a moment and look around you. If you really look, you will see it. And if you don't see it, you aren't really looking.
The question remains, though: Why are we all having heart attacks everyday?
The answer? Because our bosses and coworkers, while out for a smoke break, have found a back door to our bodies and are clogging up the place. Remember that time you went through that door and ended up inside that guy from accounting's jugular?
No, you don't do you?
This is because at work we block out all intimacies -- but our need for them does not dwindle. Though we deny ourselves the knowledge of it, we are all trying to get inside of all of our coworkers, and we are effectively swimming through each other like fat kids in the kiddy pool.
But as unemployment lowers, the number of secret people inside your veins increases at a directly proportional rate! The more people you work with, the more clogged your body gets!
You are having a heart attack all the time and every day because, though you might feel young, comfortable and more or less like a 37 year old Deborah, you are in fact stuffed like a sausage with other people and are ready to burst as if through a thin layer of intestinal wrapping at any moment!
Can this process be stopped? No.
The only way to win this battle is to make everyone else's hearts attack them more than your own does you! But since this is already happening to everyone 100% of the time there is no way to increase the frequency!
However, if you were to make a pact with your coworkers, a Union, you might be able to remove all of your own hearts and stuff them into one hapless victim whom you never liked anyway.
Stand back and watch the loser's body blow apart like 4th of July fireworks as all of you rush through his body simultaneously, a thousand Deborah's killing one for the team.*
*If you are the loser being killed, remember it's for the team -- and no one liked you anyway.
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