Why The Place In Which You Store Highly Explosive Materials Might Kill You

If you're like me, you keep your dynamite, nitroglycerin, C4 bricks, gasoline cans and pressurized containers all in one multi-purpose box. It's simple, ergonomic, and best of all, lets you rest easy at night.

Also, if you're like me, you probably didn't know that this box is not just a great place to store explosives, but is potentially dangerous and perhaps even life threatening.

FACT: Most commonly, the boxes people store their explosives in are made out of wood -- often balsa or oak.

FACT: trees, as a general rule, are intimidated by your innate human mobility. This intimidation leads their respective wood to be unstable, dangerous, and liable to attack.

Why, then, are companies supplying us with wooden boxes to keep our explosives in? Why not plastic or bone or porcelain?

Because the companies themselves are run by trees. Instead of rising to the top of already existing companies, these wooden CEOs simply sprinkled their pollen outward and grew up a fertile company around them.

But, you might ask, what kind of pollen grows companies?

Hate, fear, jealousy, and a variety of now defunct mayonnaise product lines -- all of them have been sown in the soil and are manifest in an assembly line that jettisons boxes to your home.

So, here's the rub: if you have a box at home that you store explosives in -- you might be in grave danger.

But what will happen to us? What can these boxes do to us?

In many cases, the boxes have been known to collapse around people, holding them in one place and shrinking them smaller and smaller until they solely exist on one impossible and dimensionless point in which there is no such thing as movement. In rarer cases, they have been known to explode for reasons unknown.

What can I do to protect me and my family but mostly me?

Stand perfectly still and you will be safe from the trees' jealousy and intimidation. Don't move, blink, breathe, twitch, circulate, digest or metabolize -- don't do anything at all and you will finally be safe.