Why Having Your Baby Live Outside the Womb Might Kill You

Most people don't know this, but the inside of the womb is louder than a vacuum cleaner.

That means that after birth, your baby may become an indiscriminate killing machine, wielding blades of steal and guns of glory, drawing massive amounts of blood from you and your family, laughing wildly as it attempts to recreate the senseless whirring suction noise it used to know.

The silence and serene environment most parents wish to create for their baby is just a festering nothing-space doom-hole in which the baby is condemned to lament it's ancestors sins and ill-doings.

The price of this seemingly innocent mistake? All of your heads.

That's right, your baby will not just gut you and your family like last night's halibut, but will also decapitate all of it's mother's personal heads. That's right, Mom, we're not just talking about the head you have now, but all of the heads you could have had -- based on the true potential of high variability in the course of history and the space-time continuum.

I know what you're going to say: "Look, Mister, planning how to deal with a crisis situation isn’t usually a part of my daily business routine. It'll take years to get the kind of approval I need for that!"

That's OK. While we should plan for the unexpected, it sometimes may be unreasonable -- depending on your schedule for dealing with paperwork, reading the mail, shopping for shoes or organizing your life! But one also must learn to make quick decisions without running them by upper management -- as an adverse situation could kill us at any moment.

There's obviously only one way to keep this atrocity from occurring in your office or home office -- and it's your vacuum cleaner.

When you extract your baby from your loud womb, hand it over to Maria and instruct the Mexican to place the baby inside the dirt chamber of your Dyson, with patented cyclone technology, and watch it spin amidst the dust and noise.

Witness your baby's elation and live fear free. If your baby appears to be upset, don't try to rationalize and get all logical with it. Remember: it's a very small but heartless, ancient killer and it came from your huge body!

If you must communicate with it directly, and have no time to contact HR or transmit your message through another third party, use a manila folder to scoop and fling shit at the vacuum and Maria who is likely using the powerful Dyson to clean the shit you just threw. Slap the Mexican's ass and give your baby the finger.

This is the kind of language your baby will understand as it spins in circles, its face pressed against the vacuum's transparent dirt-chamber window.