Why the Amount of Space You Leave Between the Words You Write Might Kill You

I ask you to recall this ancient truism: "The space where the pen doesn't spill its ink is surely mightier than the mightiest sword."

It's true: the amount of white, physical space you leave on the page between the words you write is a high-risk situation that could cost you your life.

Inside those seemingly harmless spaces, which you might have accidentally stretched with your thick pen, lurk a great many murderous creatures, especially porn stars and gorillas that are hungry for blood and armed with bazookas.

Studies show that in some instances porn stars may rise from the holes between your words and slap you in the face with used pornographic video tapes and DVDs made of pure steel and packed with big, bouncing boobies.

It has been reported that sometimes gorillas will then follow, firing missiles right at your bitch-slapped face!

The only way to completely ensure that these beastly horrors -- which hide in the stretched-out, loose holes between your words -- are stopped, is to seal the gaps between your words forever.

To complete this task, you must travel back to the beginning of time and write ceaselessly without spaces until you reach not only the end of time, but the very beginning of time once again.

You must do this and ensure that there are no gaps or holes before, after or between any of the words you have written or your face will be smacked senselessly by ass-pounding and missile-propelling primates.

But remember: the only way to entirely close the sex-death terror-holes between your words, since you don't have a powerful enough reactor to do the job, is to plug them up with dirty bombs.

You must stuff the dripping, often toothed, voids between your words with plutonium dildos.

Do this while throwing glitter, riding unicorns and twirling ferociously until a Mission leader from Alabama -- whose name is Percy -- touches your head and expels the evil spirits from the holes in it.

(Relax: the holes in your head are pretty much identical to the holes between your words; and the evil spirits, which are gorillas and porn stars, have been there since you were born.)

But be warned: if you do not throw enough glitter to make the Mission leader named Percy materialize, both you and everything you have ever written will be completely fucked.

The next day, when the chief of an African tribe questions your presence in the sacred lands where you have magically appeared as a Mission leader from Alabama named Percy, tell him that you wish to spread the spirit of Christ and shed a few pounds while you're at it.

Also, tell him that you promise to never write another word and that you would gladly administer Eucharist to the congregation for a small monthly stipend, so long as it helps you escape from the truly excruciating pain of risking death by porn-star-slap or gorilla-missile when writing words.