Everyone knows, or thinks they know (but do they?), that air is important. Some people think it's about giving oxygen to the blood and the brain and muscles and all that nonsense, or that it's about establishing some type of equilibrium between what is inside and outside of you, but really none of these things are important at all, or at least only important in the way that things like the ground and the sky and the sun are important -- that is, only marginally. And, margins, like butter, cause cancer, so avoid these things like the plague, or at least like butter. Which is a type of plague, only yellow.
Instead, the importance of air is more about appropriation. Getting. Taking. Having. People need an appropriate amount of appropriation every day, somewhere around 2 to 3,000. It's written in The Bible. People need to take, get, and have because taking, getting and having is a type of giving in which what you give is gift wrapped in absence and negative space, which is a new type of yes in a world of no, or at least a new type of cheese in a world of meat, or, if not that, then a new type of blank in a world of blank -- which is an even trade, so don't feel guilty. Shooting blanks never hurt anyone, and neither will sucking them in. It's all the same. Inhale, exhale: who cares when it comes to blank.
Yes, so: pick whatever you want and replace it with whatever you want. This is breathing. Take oxygen and give back CO2. It's not respiration or magic. No, don't be an idiot: it's stealing! That's right, you are a thief and you were born that way, screaming and sucking at other people's belongings. It's cool. You popped into the world like a masked man performing a home invasion, yelling obscenities and grabbing everything you could get your lungs on. And that's okay! We're all in it together. We are all at once performing the biggest art heist in history, stealing the golden chalice of nature's plenty, one drop at a time. We grab what we want and slip in a counterfeit. It feels good and tastes fresh!
But it's not good enough.
No, today, take a big breath. Take the biggest one you've ever taken. Suck in the nearest piece of furniture. Suck in a building. And then spew out something different. Make a change in the world. No, better yet: be the change you want to see in the world. That is, suck in buildings and then become whatever you think that building should be. It's easy, just shake and add water. Just blank and blank blank. Just heat to a temperate political climate and address the nation from your cell phone. Blank your face and open a blank account in the new blank.
Keep in mind, though, that everything has to stay balanced. Your blank account is a ledger equipped with scales that measure to the farthest decimal point, a placeholder that exists over 3,000 miles from your mouth. And the accountants at this blank have all the time in the world and more frequent flier miles than you can shake a stick at. And you can shake sticks at nigh on infinity, so that should give you a rough estimate of about exactly how much they are able to fly for free and at any time. Really, these blank tellers are a force to be reckoned with, like pressure or gravity. So, under their watch, you can't forget to put a blank right back where you took blank from, unless you want to go to white collar prison, which you don't, admit it. Now, it doesn't matter what it is that you replace it with, just do it. Wigs, paper, friends, guilt, love, hookers, PT Barnum, knobs. Just blank it in there. Otherwise, the pressure outside will be far too great or weak for the pressure inside, or both. That is, you will either implode or explode or merely just plode. Don't tell me you didn't already know this intuitively. It's common knowledge and written everywhere, from children's faces to dogs' whimpers: ploding is inevitable, like blankruptcy, but it can be avoided indefinitely if you are willing to write checks that your mouth can't cash.
Now: start breathing. Breathe big. Breathe _____ .
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