Now, prepare to be RE-revolutionized.
I know you want to say "Hey, buddy -- I already was re-revolutionized when I bought the Wii2!" but just shutup for a second okay?
Granted, it is true, you did buy it. You had to. We all did, remember? And the Wii2 is a splendid little bugger with which you don't just swing your arms like a real baseball player, but instead really play baseball in a real baseball field. It's great! And all the while, the Wii2 sits in the dugout, making it all happen. That's why it's better than regular baseball -- you don't have to do anything, but still you get things done.
Why?
You have plugged the Wii2 into the sun and now you can really simulate "life without simulation" without really simulating it, and the Wii2 watches you do it without truly participating in what's happening itself. It is basically your spirit animal or coach.
But think about it: What is the next logical step after the Wii2? The Wii3? The Wii4, 5, 6, 7? Is that what you really think? That perhaps you'll stand on the sun and swing your arms? Fly through time and swing your arms? Swing the suns while you stand on your arm?
Forget all that and just shutup for a second. It's already been done by the Chuggas.
Rather, we are proud to introduce: The Something.
Prepare to be outed. On the inside.
With the Something, you can now not only play real sports outside, but you can do it all alone. The Something gives you your privacy while you swing your arms like a real baseball player outside. There won't be any game consoles sitting in the dugout leering at you, that's for sure.
And guess what? Despite your strongest intuition, the games don't exist inside or outside the Something Console, the Something Console exists inside the game.
Now, why don't you take a minute to wrap your head around that, okay tough guy?
See, whereas the Wii2 is always in the Dugout, the Something Console is actually the short stop and various other players. You're not allowed to know which, as it may compromise the integrity of the game.
There's only one thing. Even though you get to play outside, you have to do all of it inside.
That's right, you have to bring both the playing field and the outside inside.
Imagine the following situation: your uncle is at the bowling alley -- playing baseball. I need you to imagine this because it is true. Simply by purchasing the Something, you have converted the inside of the bowling alley into an indoor baseball field. The outside is still a bowling alley.
Now imagine this: you drive by the bowling alley, you hook a chain to the bowling alley itself, and then you drive as fast as you can directly through your house. In this way the bowling alley will get perfectly stuck right inside. And since the baseball field is already stuck inside the bowling alley, it will also be stuck inside your home.
Trust me.
Now turn back, and when you open the door to your house, with your Something in front of your face (you have to hold it in front of your face in order for it to work properly), you will only see two things: the Something, and something else.
Congratulations. You just beat the first level.
Since this is the beta version, we only have two levels. But the second one's a good one.
But let's get past all that, because you need to realize something: Not only is the Something played by dragging the outside inside, but by extracting the entire outside-inside outside of the inside.
Yes, there is another outside buried deep inside the insides.
Confused? Good. Listen, it's simple: at one point, a little bit of the outside went inside the inside, making it the outside-inside -- and now you need to get it out!
Furthermore, understand that the Something is also inside of you and always was -- we just made it accessible to the most profitable market niche.
Know that the Something is inside of us all. But you can only play yours.
That is, the only person who can play yours is you. No one else is going to do this for you, no matter how hard they bang on your door demanding to get inside you.
What's more? Inside the Something inside you, you are also there existing inside the Something -- the game console itself. In this game, you are the game. Are you ready to play yourself? It's the ultimate match between good and evil. Sound the foghorns!
Don't just hear my words, listen to them as well: I am telling you that you are inside you and you have to get you out and back inside a certain yourself which is not inside the console or you.
Yes, there are two yous. One inside and one on the outside. Also, there is another one somewhere else -- and that's the you that's listening to me talk right now. You only have three lives to live.
Admit it -- you have always known this.
Let's get back to the game plan. Here's how to get yourself out of the game console forever and back inside yourself outside of the inside of the game Console inside you:
In order to get out of the game console which is you, you have to go inside the game console which is the you inside you.
And the only way to do that is to drive your car into the Something, by yourself. Bring the Something with you. He's a star baseball player and will attract attention and he is the you sitting by your side in your eight cylinder Ferrari.
You will pass a bowling alley. Understand that this is you.
Since there is no one else with you, there is no one else to convince you that everything I have said is not true. I know what you are going to say, about how the Something is a real, live person and he's your friend. Well, I'm sorry to break it to you, but the something is hardly anything at all. It is merely you with you inside it trying to rip you out of itself from you in a speeding Ferrari, where you are, while you do the same thing to it and yourself at the same time inside both of you.
Look, even if you are so close to the Something now that you don't believe you are truly alone, at least understand that the console cannot utilize reason. It is practically a dog (i.e., it has no mind and it is a dog). It has monkey brain.
So, deal with it: you're a bowling alley.
Now, attach the hook to the rear of the bowling alley -- or yourself. As you do this, you will be reminded of lane 8, which used to be on the other side of that wall.
But remember: you turned the bowling alley into an indoor baseball field when you bought yourself, and even though it still looks like a bowling alley outside, from the rear end, at this point, it has become no more than a mirror.
You may notice for the first time that when you look at yourself, you suddenly see only a bowling alley with a baseball field inside. You are reflecting the reflection inside the reflection.
You're a mirror, too, it seems.
Continue to gaze sadly into the mirrors' magical reflective surface and you will eventually see nothing but a big asshole.
Now, you can't hook your car to a mirror, right? No, you can't. So you're going to have to improvise.
Go inside the bowling and say hello to your uncle, who is bowling the best baseball game of his life inside of you, and attach the hook to his asshole. It is more than just a reflection. Don't go too far inside, unless you want to see more baseball.
Now, go outside the baseball field and get inside your car. Drive yourself across town until you get to yourself and propel yourself right through yourself as fast as you can until you get right into the heart of yourself. You will get lodged perfectly inside of yourself. I promise.
Now, get out of your car, turn around, and walk yourself inside of the yourself that is now inside of you. Lock yourself in so you don't get out again.
Later, once you're comfortable, it is possible that another you might come slamming its car into you and try to stuff you up with more yous. Don't let this happen and it shouldn't be a problem.
Remember: Don't do it alone. In fact, do it with a Little Bitty Something in hand, now sold at the Something Online Store , and you will see only two things. Yourself and something else.
Now. Turn yourself on and play with yourself. It'll be the closest thing to real life you have ever known. You have my word.
