"Flesh of my flesh....something, something, something...burger of my burger...."
--Jesus Christ
Picture this: you just bought a burger at a restaurant, but you're not even hungry. That means you just wasted 15 bucks on that burger!
So, here's the problem: how are you going to make that money mean something even though you just spent it on something you don't even want?
You might think it's as simple as eating that burger with your mouth and suffering a bit, but no that is not enough.
YOU NEED TO ROB THE RESTAURANT. That's right: kill the waitress, lop off the heads of all the other customers, collect the money and then eat it.
Next? Go to the bank, but don't forget to take that burger you didn't eat. Now, take out all of your own money -- and eat that too.
You might say, "Wait a minute, I worked my entire empty life for that. Now my life and my bank account are empty."
That's right, but not for long.
Here's our mantra: Put your money where your mouth is and your burger where your money used to be!
That's right, eat your money and put your burgers in your bank account!
But here's the question: is your burger working for you or are you working for your burger?
That's where suffering comes into the equation!
It's true -- you do need to suffer to acquire meaning, but not as quickly or as stupidly as you originally thought.
Memorize this: Where B is a burger, M is money, Y is you, J is Jesus, S is suffering and M is meaning:
B + M + Y + S + J = M
You will notice that meaning and money are actually interchangeable, so long as Jesus and burgers are involved. That's right: you will be making money once again, but you must understand that Jesus is presently replicating in every cell of your beef.
What does this mean? It means that you can finally stop trying to clean Jesus out of those hard to reach places in your kitchen and bathroom because he's exclusively in your burger, and you must eat the burger!
Now, don't get me wrong. I know I told you earlier not to eat that burger. But let's face it, that was before you killed all those people. And besides, at certain points of the day, your bank account is your entire digestive system from hole to hole.
If you can only get that burger in your mouth (bank account) at just the right time, you might be able to finally crap out some meaning.
But there's a catch: at this moment, you're burger could be anywhere. Sure, you put it in your bank account, but everyone knows that your bank account is everywhere it wants to be, wherever it wants to be, whenever it wants to be. You paid for that feature when you signed up!
Now what? You're going to have to hunt and catch this Jesus burger -- but you will quickly notice that this is impossible. It scurries around corners and under furniture faster than you can believe that any of these things exist in the first place.
So what can you do?
That's where our robot comes in!
Yes, you will have to purchase our robot in order to finally make meaning.
This robot is specifically designed to hunt, kill, preserve, season and prepare your burger so that you can eat it with delight.
Yes, our robot is not just a cold blooded killer like you, but it is also a meat locker and a gourmet chef!
It gets better: we've made our robots to fit your unique life style.
That's right, this little doozy comes in three distinct variations: Jesus, burger, or you-shaped!
So when you make your purchase, be sure to tell the operator you want the robot that fits your wildest fantasies.
Great! So here's your mission: Buy the robot. Eat the burger. Shit out meaning.
That's easy, you will say.
But wait there's more. You might remember that meaning and money are interchangeable.
That's right! You just crapped out a whole stinking pile of meaningful money!
Now feel free to go down to the nearest restaurant and trade in that money for a big juicy burger you fucking idiot!
