Queen Latifah’s “Put on Your Crown” is no joke.
For example, it starts with sage advice from Winnie the Pooh: “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” Obviously, no one is trying to be funny here, but instead deadly serious.
The gravity of Mr. Pooh’s conjecture, that people are stronger and smarter and braver than they believe, is a paradoxical idea not lost on the CIA and Military Intelligence. Rather, they are like ants in a sugar pile with this stuff. They have taken a keen interest in the idea that once you believe the Mr. Pooh’s claims, you enter a kind of Latifah Vortex in which you now believe that you are in fact smarter, braver, and stronger than you think, which is now exactly what you do think, so therefore you are immediately stronger than being stronger than being stronger than being braver than being smarter than being more than being forever, an idea not unlike the logic of known terrorists, in that they are also working with explosive materials, outward expansion of the human body, like balloons that don’t float.
Working in tandem, then, Mr. Pooh and Queen Latifah have unlocked a kind of limitless energy gauge, or LEG, from which to stand on. What might Iran or Al-Qaeda do with the Queen’s LEGs? The possibilities are endless and horrifying. The government has generated reports and 3d renderings that display her LEGs draped across the entire Middle East in a fire storm of Strength, Bravery and Intelligence that should make everyone feel stupid, weak, and cowardly. That is, the last thing we need those people over there to get their hands on is virtue, let alone a limitless supply! Virtue in the Middle East, perceived or objective, will literally cripple our military might. That is, it will be like them taking our LEGs and leaving us stumped with no way to ambulate.
And it doesn’t stop there.
We have to ask ourselves, “Is this a coincidence? Did Queen Latifah only incidentally team up with a small unassuming bear in order to create a limitless power source drawn from the essence of positive thinking? Is this not the logical, and therefore deliberate, conclusion of the best selling self-help book, The Secret, in that Put on Your Crown is a utilitarian extension of the manifestation of positive intention with unbounded energy bursting from its LEGs?” Whew, that’s a mouthful.
Listen: what we’re getting at here is that, "Put on Your Crown" very well might be a bomb that will explode not in real life, but in words. That’s right, it blows up in your mouth, not in your hands.
Is this a reasonable suspicion? No, we suspect that all suspicions are unreasonable because they are based on the idea of not knowing, though we can't truly know this, but not knowing is exactly the weapon we need against Latifah’s monstrous LEGs.
Here is an excerpt from Chapter One:
It was seven a.m., I'd been up since five a.m. for a yoga class and a vegan breakfast, and my first thought when I started that trail was, "We're going over that?!" This all started early in September 2001, when I booked myself into a hiking boot camp in Calabasas, California, because I wanted to quit smoking. I picked up the habit when I was fourteen and managed to quit a few times, but smoking has a tendency to creep back into my life, especially when I'm working or stressing. A week in a healthy environment, doing nothing but hiking and yoga, was my way of separating myself from cigarettes and going cold turkey.
This retreat was just a house in the middle of the woods. There were no stores around. There were no phones, except for a pay phone on the wall in case of an emergency. We all slept under the same roof and shared meals at a communal table. It was a place where people came to get back to some healthy living, lose weight, get in touch with nature, whatever it was. I just needed to be in an environment that was free of distractions, where I could focus on something besides my crazy, hectic lifestyle.
Does this not sound a little bit too convenient?
She expects us to believe that during September of 2001, she was hiding out in a “boot camp,” working with alternative religious practices, trying to shirk off her American way of life, dining at communal (ist) tables, somewhere in the mountains like a scoundrel – and that none of this has anything to do with the destruction of the World Trade Center? Come on, Queen, get serious.
It is so obvious, in fact, given these facts, that she was involved in it, that one can only suspect that she wants us to think she planned 9/11 with Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin, Eyore, Owl and Rabbit while cavorting in the 100 acre woods, in order to push us off the scent of something far more heinous.
But what could be more heinous?
Exactly, now you’re thinking. It doesn’t get any worse than that. 9/11 is the worst thing that ever happened in the entire universe, everyone knows that, so much so that other bad things are sucked into it like an enormous black hole. And that’s exactly what Latifah and the Pooh are getting at. We are Braver, Stonger, and Smarter than we think.
The only way to overcome the gravitational pull of the 9/11 bomb – not the actually hitting of the buildings, but the mental one that careened outward and started pulling in the entire solar system – is to feed it an absurd firestorm of positive thinking. We are Braver, Stronger, Smarter than we think, forever. It doesn’t make any sense, but keep saying it, louder and louder and louder until they hear us in Iran, until it’s so loud that it echoes back and we can think that they are saying the same thing back to us even though we’re wrong and despite the fact that they already were and we’re just covering that up with our obnoxious yelling. We have to unleash the Power of Positive thinking on the Middle East before they can do it to us. We might just be able to blow up our mouths, minds and lives in a way that reverses the polarity of 9/11.
That’s what this book is trying to make you think, but it’s wrong.
Why?
Because 9/11 sucked in all the bad things and made them go away.
If we follow the Queen’s advice and let her LEGs release positive energy, it will be like that scene in Ghostbusters 1 when they let out all the ghosts. That is, there will be an implied sex scene signified by the streaming release of pink energy beams and all the bad things will come back.
That’s what makes Queen Latifah’s “Put on Your Crown” the most important self-help book ever written. Because either way, we’re fucked. Now, put on your crown!
