ARE we facing a crisis? Put it this way: have you ever been watching basketball?
Moreover, have you ever been watching basketball when a Johnson drives toward the hole, beats 'em off the dribble, performs a massive facial, impregnates the basket when out of nowhere a commercial for big hard pipes interrupts your viewing pleasure and all of a sudden you slowly start to realize you've forgotten something?
It hits you: Magic Johnson still has AIDS.
Yes, contrary to popular belief, this problem did not just go away in the 1990's and it did not move to Africa. You remember, in fact, that Magic Johnson doesn't even have AIDS in Africa. He still has it right here at home in The United States of America.
As Sir Thomas Willard said in 1672, “Wherefore, when Magic Johnson betakes himself to sleep, so great a restlessness and tossing of Magic Johnson's members ensue, that he flops around like a fish... because he still has AIDS.”
You know all this and yet, Magic Johnson doesn't even have AIDS. He has HIV.
My god, Then why can't Magic Johnson sleep at night?
WAKE UP, PEOPLE!
Are you aware that awareness keeps people awake?
Magic Johnson may not have AIDS, but he has AIDS Awareness.
AIDS awareness is a problem not just here in America, but across the world-globe. This problem affects you and everyone you know! Everyday, more and more people have AIDS Awareness. It can be spread from person to person -- and there is no cure.
Did you know Magic Johnson is the only true source of this awareness?
So, why does Magic Johnson have AIDS awareness? Here are some things to keep in mind:
Can Magic Johnson still have AIDS awareness from a bug bite? YES. He has been injected with an anesthetic and a blood-meal will be served to the queen.
Can Magic Johnson still have AIDS awareness from a kiss? YES. Knowledge mates with passion and all hell breaks loose!
Can Magic Johnson still have AIDS awareness from a toilet seat? YES. But no toilet seat works without a toilet or pipes for plumbing. Booo-yah!
Can Magic Johnson still have AIDS from our fine quality, big ol' pipes? YES because Magic Johnson once said: “God had a plan for me and I'm just fulfilling that plan, ... Just like HIV.”
Wait, what's happening? What is Magic Johnson's plan?
Don't you get it? It's all connected and they don't want you to know.
But who's “they?”
The Magic Johnson community at large! They is trying to cook prime rib at a startling honey mesquite velocity. He is trying to give you and everyone you know AIDS awareness in the form of a high protein dinner of collared greens and fried chicken - available at any Magic Johnson theater, which is true.
STOP!!! That's racist. Yes, but much racism is just another twisted form of awareness. Are you aware of RACE? Well, I hate to break it to you, but you've probably been racist. Work on fixing this simple problem in your spare time too, kids, and remember HIGH PROTEIN RULES!
- Wake up people, it's time to wake up!
It's all the massive and aware brain of the Magic Johnson AIDS awareness machine.
For only 19.95 a month, we can give you access to pipes with which you can reverse the awareness all around you.
Be a hero. Get Pipes.
Can I really be a hero? It sounds hard. With pipes it's always hard - and big.
Wait, maybe some of you out there are thinking, “My God, I never told anyone this before - I - I - I have AIDS awareness.”
We all do! It's gone that far! Now, do we open our mouth and take that load of burnt prime rib or stick it right back to the man? Huh, HUH?
I wanna stick it! But where should it be stuck!? Right at the heart of awareness: inside the bowels of Magic Johnson. But this won't be easy. There's only one entrance and it's a tight squeeze.
Where? Through the back door. You have to climb through the marshland and acquire the magic whistle. Then you must bend the big hard pipes to change the trajectory of awareness back into MJ's angus beef hole.
NO! That's how fires start!
That's right. You have to fight fire with fire. Think of Magic Johnson as an easy bake oven radiating massive amounts of AIDS awareness at 600 degrees Fahrenheit. This shouldn't take long to do.
You have to do something you don't understand and you're probably going to die! Now get in there!
But what if I do open my mouth to the wide open sky and take that load instead?
Then you're eating dinner for two, brother. Without our patented very big "pipes," fibrous cables and switches of high capacity and speed, you will unleash upon the world Magic Johnson's ultimate plan: TOTAL AIDS AWARENESS! This, in time, can become full blown AIDS awareness, an unstoppable avalanche of knowledge. And that's not what you want. Not at all!
My god, what if Total Aids Awareness DOES occur?
You have to be prepared to protect your family in a man against man, god against all scenario because at the instant the total AIDS awareness is reached, Magic Johnson will have gained control of all matter and forces not only in a single universe, but in all universes whose existence is logically possible; And this is the end times.
So, when Magic Johnson comes like the fury and in stringy spurts from all directions, how can I and/or my family survive total AIDS awareness? Is there an off ramp from the highway of the end times?
No!
Allow the dark awareness of Magic Johnson to penetrate you unprotected. Use the barbecue sauce brush!
No!
Slather everything in your spicy sauce, and then enter the arena mother fucker because this is a basketball court and you're playing alone!
Everyone you knew was incinerated at 600 degrees Fahrenheit of awareness.
Wake up: You are that awareness. You are Magic Johnson barreling toward the wet, dripping dilating net. This is your one shot! The money shot!
I don't think I can do it!
Grow a pair of balls, dick! Dribble to the hole! Perform the massive facial and impregnate the basket! This is not a spectators sport any longer, buddy! Get into the lotus position, missionary, wheelbarrow, doggie style, rocket ship. Dirty Sanchez, Polish block party. Just do it, fucker!!!
The ball goes in and you come out.
Once an insignificant cell amidst crisis, you become a 2001 space baby with beautiful eyes and pipes for teeth who is too young and innocent to know anything. Ignorance is the new innocence and it is yours as a free gift when you buy our fine quality pipes and everything else we tell you to buy.
You have a chance to do it all again,
you fat,
pathetic,
piece of shit.
Stop thinking and this time, do it right. Do it pipes!
