Sure, everyone knows about the left brain and the right brain, but what's the biggest part of your brain?
The subconscious, of course!
In fact, it's so big that it doesn't even fit inside of your head! Few know it, but you are actually much more than exists within your body.
For example, did you know that Florida is a part of your body? All you have to do is take it back. Yes, Florida is yours to have and absorb like a mop taking water.
Though it is your right to claim them, it is also your job and responsibility to actively seek out the rest of your missing parts -- such as all of your memories -- which are now people whose lives you are entitled to control -- and all of your aspirations -- which are actually homes and part of a large and succesful condo development in the South West. They are owned and lived in by families you don't love.
Now, if you plan correctly, by the time you retire, you may just be able to save up enough to buy back your dreams and control your memories -- but only if you start saving now and track down that enormous subconscious which is located in space.
You will require a rocket and a large net to catch it.
Here are some helpful websites to help you get started.
Rocket
Net
Good luck!
Making Meaningful Money
"Flesh of my flesh....something, something, something...burger of my burger...."
--Jesus Christ
Picture this: you just bought a burger at a restaurant, but you're not even hungry. That means you just wasted 15 bucks on that burger!
So, here's the problem: how are you going to make that money mean something even though you just spent it on something you don't even want?
You might think it's as simple as eating that burger with your mouth and suffering a bit, but no that is not enough.
YOU NEED TO ROB THE RESTAURANT. That's right: kill the waitress, lop off the heads of all the other customers, collect the money and then eat it.
Next? Go to the bank, but don't forget to take that burger you didn't eat. Now, take out all of your own money -- and eat that too.
You might say, "Wait a minute, I worked my entire empty life for that. Now my life and my bank account are empty."
That's right, but not for long.
Here's our mantra: Put your money where your mouth is and your burger where your money used to be!
That's right, eat your money and put your burgers in your bank account!
But here's the question: is your burger working for you or are you working for your burger?
That's where suffering comes into the equation!
It's true -- you do need to suffer to acquire meaning, but not as quickly or as stupidly as you originally thought.
Memorize this: Where B is a burger, M is money, Y is you, J is Jesus, S is suffering and M is meaning:
B + M + Y + S + J = M
You will notice that meaning and money are actually interchangeable, so long as Jesus and burgers are involved. That's right: you will be making money once again, but you must understand that Jesus is presently replicating in every cell of your beef.
What does this mean? It means that you can finally stop trying to clean Jesus out of those hard to reach places in your kitchen and bathroom because he's exclusively in your burger, and you must eat the burger!
Now, don't get me wrong. I know I told you earlier not to eat that burger. But let's face it, that was before you killed all those people. And besides, at certain points of the day, your bank account is your entire digestive system from hole to hole.
If you can only get that burger in your mouth (bank account) at just the right time, you might be able to finally crap out some meaning.
But there's a catch: at this moment, you're burger could be anywhere. Sure, you put it in your bank account, but everyone knows that your bank account is everywhere it wants to be, wherever it wants to be, whenever it wants to be. You paid for that feature when you signed up!
Now what? You're going to have to hunt and catch this Jesus burger -- but you will quickly notice that this is impossible. It scurries around corners and under furniture faster than you can believe that any of these things exist in the first place.
So what can you do?
That's where our robot comes in!
Yes, you will have to purchase our robot in order to finally make meaning.
This robot is specifically designed to hunt, kill, preserve, season and prepare your burger so that you can eat it with delight.
Yes, our robot is not just a cold blooded killer like you, but it is also a meat locker and a gourmet chef!
It gets better: we've made our robots to fit your unique life style.
That's right, this little doozy comes in three distinct variations: Jesus, burger, or you-shaped!
So when you make your purchase, be sure to tell the operator you want the robot that fits your wildest fantasies.
Great! So here's your mission: Buy the robot. Eat the burger. Shit out meaning.
That's easy, you will say.
But wait there's more. You might remember that meaning and money are interchangeable.
That's right! You just crapped out a whole stinking pile of meaningful money!
Now feel free to go down to the nearest restaurant and trade in that money for a big juicy burger you fucking idiot!
Daily Inspirational # 6 - Stop trying to fill that fist-sized hole in your chest with life-affirming objects!
Listen: That hole is a regret-hole and it is not empty -- it's filled with a dipping sauce, and life-affirming objects only mar the natural zest of it's creamy base!
And you know what else? That dipping sauce in your regret hole -- it's made almost entirely of regret.
Now, let's be honest here: Don't you regret dipping into that regret sauce?
Well, no wonder! It tastes like crap!
Look: while your regret could be served at a dinner party, your family and friends would not be very pleased. But that's no problem because your primary concern is to live your life feeling guilty about things that are beyond your control -- not to try and fix it!
Don't you get it -- Your life sucks and there's nothing you can do about it and that's what you like about it!
That's where we come in! Did you see that look of disappointment on your father's face? How about your grandma crying? Well, turn those frowns upside down in minutes! Our Real Lime-Regret-Chest-Hole Zesty Dipping Sauce with Chives (TM) will suck your family into your chest and fill both you and them with something akin to fulfillment!*
*Note: you may notice your family flaking off in much the same way that dumplings leave bits of crust floating in your sternum.
And remember, don't just share your regret-hole -- regret sharing it too!
And you know what else? That dipping sauce in your regret hole -- it's made almost entirely of regret.
Now, let's be honest here: Don't you regret dipping into that regret sauce?
Well, no wonder! It tastes like crap!
Look: while your regret could be served at a dinner party, your family and friends would not be very pleased. But that's no problem because your primary concern is to live your life feeling guilty about things that are beyond your control -- not to try and fix it!
Don't you get it -- Your life sucks and there's nothing you can do about it and that's what you like about it!
That's where we come in! Did you see that look of disappointment on your father's face? How about your grandma crying? Well, turn those frowns upside down in minutes! Our Real Lime-Regret-Chest-Hole Zesty Dipping Sauce with Chives (TM) will suck your family into your chest and fill both you and them with something akin to fulfillment!*
*Note: you may notice your family flaking off in much the same way that dumplings leave bits of crust floating in your sternum.
And remember, don't just share your regret-hole -- regret sharing it too!
Daily Inspirational #5 - Making Yourself Heard
Do you ever feel as if no one is listening? That no matter how hard you try, whatever you say falls deep into a well that only you know exists? We've all been there, and it is very frustrating.
But tell me friend, isn't this deep well made of flesh and cartilage? Take a closer look as you spew out demands and declarations -- aren't those "rocks" just tiny, square lobes?
You see, that deep fleshy well is actually your own ear, and if you want to truly make yourself heard -- you will have to flush those ears out as if you were rowing a kayak on white water rapids!
Most people do not know this, but the loudest part of the body is the ear. However, you will need to do two major things before your ears do the talking for you.
1. Build up your triceps: most likely, the weight of the things that you "haven't" said will be more than you can lift at the moment. If you stick to an exercise regimen, though, you will soon move your arms so quickly that you will appear to others as if a humming bird shooting semen from its wings.
2. Get teeth in your ears: People only listen to things with teeth. This is a fact. You may already have teeth in your mouth, but they will be far more effective in your deep fleshy wells. Knock the teeth out with a hammer and shove them in your ears.
Good luck -- and have fun finally being heard by real people.
But tell me friend, isn't this deep well made of flesh and cartilage? Take a closer look as you spew out demands and declarations -- aren't those "rocks" just tiny, square lobes?
You see, that deep fleshy well is actually your own ear, and if you want to truly make yourself heard -- you will have to flush those ears out as if you were rowing a kayak on white water rapids!
Most people do not know this, but the loudest part of the body is the ear. However, you will need to do two major things before your ears do the talking for you.
1. Build up your triceps: most likely, the weight of the things that you "haven't" said will be more than you can lift at the moment. If you stick to an exercise regimen, though, you will soon move your arms so quickly that you will appear to others as if a humming bird shooting semen from its wings.
2. Get teeth in your ears: People only listen to things with teeth. This is a fact. You may already have teeth in your mouth, but they will be far more effective in your deep fleshy wells. Knock the teeth out with a hammer and shove them in your ears.
Good luck -- and have fun finally being heard by real people.
Daily Inspirational #4 - Stand Up!
Today, why not stand up? Why not get right up, throw off those huge metal braces that hold you in place?
Because you are a riveted, riveting, steam powered bull made of rusted and corrugated steal.
You were made in a factory, shipped via truck and boat, and then nailed into a concrete platform. You are a coin operated, gyrating monument to something no one remembers.
That's why you can't stand up -- but even though you cannot move, remember that the view is great!
Because you are a riveted, riveting, steam powered bull made of rusted and corrugated steal.
You were made in a factory, shipped via truck and boat, and then nailed into a concrete platform. You are a coin operated, gyrating monument to something no one remembers.
That's why you can't stand up -- but even though you cannot move, remember that the view is great!
Daily Inspirational #3 - The Boondoggle of Reflection
"Life reflects your own thoughts back to you"Well, OK, sure. But what is reflection? Here's one definition: Reflection is a braided cord worn by Boy Scouts as a neckerchief slide -- often presented by a man.
There's only one problem: the man who presents the colorful kerchief of reflection to you will not be a man at all; he will be no more than an "application."
"Wait a minute!" you might say. "This sounds like 100% nonsense. If the man who gives me 'reflection' is nothing but an 'application,' how will I know it is him? Will there be any obvious sign by which I might interpret his gesture and properly accept the stylish yet functional accessory of reflection?"
Not really, no.
But there is hope -- because the "man-application" may suddenly and without warning make use of external, user-defined classes by creating instances of extensibility objects -- real objects you can see and touch, such as teeth, rocks, arm chairs, and rib-eye steaks cooked to perfection. This is a chance operation in which the man-application will make nearly everything* until a kerchief -- or boondoggle -- appears.
Utilize this information whether you understand it or not. Imitate every move the "reflection giver" or "giver.app" makes and create the kerchief at the exact moment he does.
You must wear this object.
The result? When wearing the boondoggle, you will see no one but yourself mirrored in everything and everybody else. Learn to accept seeing yourself through the clothing you wear. Sport the boondoggle with a protein shake from Jamba Juice and understand your true purpose. Walk lightly down the runway of life and become the envy of those who surround you, for they shall look to see themselves in you and find no one there but you. In essence, they have become you.
Everyone has.
Especially you.
*"Everything" in this instance refers to the following: NOT LISTED.
The Inner Child
You may have heard the term, "inner child." This is more than a hip and helpful phrase that people say at parties -- it is a real phenomenon and it is a disease.
Your childhood is a parasite that lives in your blood and hunts your bones, and it has come back from the dead.
Now, don't get me wrong: Your childhood still needs milk and your bones are the closest things in your body to a woman's lactating breasts. This is practically a fact.
Facts and Fictions
FACT: While riding T-cells like small horsies, your childhood breaks into what might be described as tribal groups and rushes through your body seeking huge white, calcium-rich beasts to slay. They wear your memories as leggings, spurring forward with the sharp-bits of nostalgia and guilt. Hope and innocence are their jagged teeth.
FICTION: Your childhood is unstoppable and will soon overtake you.
FICTION: Your childhood is unstoppable and will soon overtake you.
The Secret
Listen, if you care about why your bones are not entirely decimated by the small army of your childhood, then I will let you in on a well-hidden secret.
Listen: It is nothing but our childhood's foolish desire to control nature that has disallowed it from killing our bones. Look: the bottom line is, if they try to control the T-cell horsies, neither will ever get back to the bones because the T-Cells naturally gravitate toward bones. However, when they are controlled (by our childhood), this innate desire is erased!
In addition, the very fact that the tribal groups are controlling your cells is the reason that they are selling freedom for drugs -- which they are. If they were to only let the T-Cells guide them instead of using them in accordance with their Full Prescribing Information, they would be led immediately to the bones, the place they actually want to be -- the place you, your bones, your blood, your childhood, your T-cells and your newly acquired crack-cocaine (previously bought with Freedom Units) will learn to be a real family -- or else. Yet, so long as they look for it, they will never find it.
Lucky for you, this conundrum keeps you and your bones safe from harm. In fact, this ongoing process is why you have bones at all, or a body to put them in.
Listen: It is nothing but our childhood's foolish desire to control nature that has disallowed it from killing our bones. Look: the bottom line is, if they try to control the T-cell horsies, neither will ever get back to the bones because the T-Cells naturally gravitate toward bones. However, when they are controlled (by our childhood), this innate desire is erased!
In addition, the very fact that the tribal groups are controlling your cells is the reason that they are selling freedom for drugs -- which they are. If they were to only let the T-Cells guide them instead of using them in accordance with their Full Prescribing Information, they would be led immediately to the bones, the place they actually want to be -- the place you, your bones, your blood, your childhood, your T-cells and your newly acquired crack-cocaine (previously bought with Freedom Units) will learn to be a real family -- or else. Yet, so long as they look for it, they will never find it.
Lucky for you, this conundrum keeps you and your bones safe from harm. In fact, this ongoing process is why you have bones at all, or a body to put them in.
You Are Protected By An Ancient Coincidence
But there is a problem: When isolated, remote and high in the mountains, your childhood has transportation difficulties. The terrain becomes so impassible they can no longer steer. In fact, because of these crippling difficulties, your childhood entirely forfeits the bone-hunt and resigns itself to failure -- thus letting the T-Cells control themselves once again -- and therefore allowing your childhood to finally succeed via a roundabout and entirely accidental journey to the bones, led by T-Cell guilt and various drug addictions.
And this is where THE BATTLE begins -- in the loneliest place on Earth: your bones!
And this is where THE BATTLE begins -- in the loneliest place on Earth: your bones!
Consider the following statement:
The most famous place will be erected by a full-blooded Indian. Think about it.
Something to Consider
Here's a tip: Tin mining is where it's at. Not iron.
One of the rituals in this ancient battle is to create your opponent's shield, and he yours. Let your childhood choose his material first. If everything goes according to plan, he will cut corners in production and utilize the blood's most abundant resource -- iron.
Once your childhood has completed your shoddy but strong armor, it is time for you to exercise finesse and guile by making use of your blood's least known resource: tin foil. You will find it deep within the large redwoods of the colon. Use buckets, tree-taps and patience to sap the foil from the ancient wood in flimsy sheets. Toss a few of these together and you have an entirely useless armor -- but your opponent will be blinded by it's elegance and rarity.
Do not worry about the cost of acquisition and production. Tin foil is a product of your body -- and you don't have to pay for anything but tolls. This is a little known fact, but a useful one especially in tourist season.
One of the rituals in this ancient battle is to create your opponent's shield, and he yours. Let your childhood choose his material first. If everything goes according to plan, he will cut corners in production and utilize the blood's most abundant resource -- iron.
Once your childhood has completed your shoddy but strong armor, it is time for you to exercise finesse and guile by making use of your blood's least known resource: tin foil. You will find it deep within the large redwoods of the colon. Use buckets, tree-taps and patience to sap the foil from the ancient wood in flimsy sheets. Toss a few of these together and you have an entirely useless armor -- but your opponent will be blinded by it's elegance and rarity.
Do not worry about the cost of acquisition and production. Tin foil is a product of your body -- and you don't have to pay for anything but tolls. This is a little known fact, but a useful one especially in tourist season.
You Must Fight Your Opponent
I have a confession to make... Unfortunately, your opponent will not be your childhood but instead it's official representative: your infancy -- which has been hunting your childhood's bones all along. And, according to sources speaking on terms of anonymity*, "it's so sweet, it's like taking candy from a baby."
But it won't be your infancy that you fight either, actually; from within your infancy's blood appears your pregnancy term -- and from within your pregnancy term appears your conception.
You will fight all of them as one opponent.
* you, much later
But it won't be your infancy that you fight either, actually; from within your infancy's blood appears your pregnancy term -- and from within your pregnancy term appears your conception.
You will fight all of them as one opponent.
* you, much later
How To Win/Safety Information
IF YOU EXPERIENCE DIZZINESS, GASTROINTESITNAL NOISES, HEART VALVE DESPERATION, STRANGE WARTS, HORRIBLE IDEAS, DO NOT STOP FOR ANY REASON. THESE SYMPTOMS CONNOTE SUCCESS.
You must continue to age and acquire serious medical conditions.
Search for the pieces of diseases that are hidden in rooms, caves, and other important moments in your life -- all of which are actually stored deep inside your body. All of the places you have ever been are stored away like old newspapers and grow dusty in your organs and bio-systems. Keep hunting!
Once your burlap item-sack is entirely full of ailments, rapidly increase your age by turning the knob on the bottom of your spleen to "OLD."
What Conquering Really Looks Like
As you face off against your childhood in a cathedral of bones and chicken wire, harness the nearby donkey -- it is a good means of transportation -- and ready your sword.
You will know that your childhood has been vanquished when spiders fall on wisps of dander -- and balloon through the stadium dropping diapers filled with flowers and candy.
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